I'm a little late this year. I wanted to do a recap of 2014 and a New Year's Resolution for 2015, but it's February 1st and I'm just not going to do it.
HOWEVER, I'll express some of the things I've been feeling/dealing with lately with my typical format. In advance, thanks for reading and I hope you can relate!
Work
I've been working more at Gigi's than I have since I started. I hit overtime this last week for the first time in a while. Work is interesting because not only am I working my dream job, but I firmly believe that God has put me in a position to learn how to work with people on a daily basis. Coworkers and clients alike, I'm learning to deal with… well… people. I haven't done that in such a long time, because working at Boyd Street was like working behind an electronic mask. On top of that, working at Gigi's where we have only 7 employees is like working with family, and that can be incredibly difficult. Not because of anything they do, but because of how I react. I try really REALLY hard to not bring my personal problems into work, and sometimes I fail miserably. I also try really REALLY hard to be patient with people who are also dealing with life, and sometimes I fail miserably at that, too. But what's really neat is that I can accept myself for who I am and realize that I make mistakes and can make living amends to whomever I have harmed, and I can also accept others for who they are, and I get to do that over and over and over and over again! God gives me a second chance and a third chance, and a thousand chances to keep trying to be a better person. Thank Him for that!
Personal
Hmmm. My personal life has been weird. I struggle with January, it's one of my least favorite months. I tried going into this month thinking, "Let's do this!" and it kind of flopped. It seemed like every single thing went wrong but I realized two major things about myself this month that I haven't seen before.
First, I had begun to rest on my laurels. I was doing great with everything, life was becoming balanced and I was starting to think I had done something to deserve this, then BAM… I began to be humbled. I made some mistakes at work, I made some mistakes at home, and it felt like I was making mistakes everywhere, but instead of seeing what my part was, I blamed everyone else. I'm not saying that everything that happened was 100% my fault, but I had a part in everything and refused to see it because I thought I couldn't make mistakes. I have been humbled in many ways these last 6 weeks and while I didn't like it at first, I'm starting to understand that this is how my Higher Power wants me to be on a regular basis. He wants me to be teachable and I can't do that if I refused to be taught because I think I know it all.
Second, I decided that I could handle more. This kind of ties into the first reason, but also adds to it. Like I decided that I needed a second job and a second dog. Why in the world I thought I could handle both while one of the busiest periods of the year is coming up, I don't know, but I did. I've apparently decided to test my own patience and am finding that I have made a very bad decision. Now, I've accepted my responsibility and will continue to handle my second job and my second dog as best as I can.
Experience, Strength, Hope
On top of all the new things in my life, I also decided to help teenagers. Seriously, sometimes I think I've lost my mind. Maybe God wants me to remember what I should be grateful for and when I'm feeling ungrateful or "bored" he lets me make my own decisions and let my life get chaotic and then I'll come running back to Him apologizing for thinking I know best. I know He never leaves, but when He realizes that I'm beginning to think that I know best, He'll let me wreck my own ship before He helps me with my sails again.
Back to the teenagers. Once a week I'm helping teens deal with the same things I dealt with growing up. Some weeks it's great, some weeks it's nuts, just like a typical teenage life. I know that I'll be grateful for this opportunity sometime later.
Another thing that I'm working on right now is remember that life isn't always rainbows and butterflies (… it's compromise that moves us alooooong (name that song)). I think life goes through phases, and I know a few friends that believe the same thing. Sometimes we go through rainy days so when the sun comes out we remember how great things are, and when the sun has been out a long time, it rains so we remember where we come from. I've learned this last year that I can be okay when it rains and I can be grateful when the sun shines. Right now, I'm okay and I know it'll be better.
Puppies
Yes, the title has become pluralized. I must be nuts. Seriously. I. Must. Be. Nuts. We have a new dog named Bronson. I'm sure you know this by now. I am struggling hard with him, which you might know as well. Bronson is different. He has a personality that I have never seen in a dog before. He is so extremely submissive that it drives me crazy. He pees when he's nervous, he doesn't like to look up, he's scared of everything and everyone. If a leaf crunches while we're walking, he won't pee or poop. He's done and is ready to hide inside the house again. I'm not going to lie about it either. I've lost my temper with him several times. Sometimes I do nothing at all and he pees. I refuse to give up yet, it's only been a month since we've had him and I'm not going to just throw in the towel (though I will throw it on the ground to clean up the pee).
Instead of just hoping and wishing for things to be different, I'm having to make accommodations with what we are working with right now. I cannot get mad at all. Seriously. Cannot get mad or scold him for anything. This, apparently, ruins his confidence and will cause him to submissively urinate. Doesn't that sound fun? If you know who I am, you know I'm an emotional being. I like to be loud when I'm happy and loud when I'm angry, and now I get to learn to not react to his accidents. It's not going to be easy, but I have faith that this is another mission from God. He has given me another lesson to teach me to be humble and to be teachable. I'm not very happy about it, to be perfectly honest, but I'm determined to work on myself and to work on Bronson.
Love Life
Right now, I never ever see Jose and we barely get to spend any time together. It puts a strain on my heart because I'd like to see the person I live with more than maybe 15 minutes a day while we are transferring between home and work. I'm going to be honest about that, too. It's another strain that we have this second dog and I have this second job. It's not easy, but I'm hoping it will pay off in the end.
Summary of My Thoughts
A simple summary is this: God is testing me and my faith. He is testing my humility and my willingness. He is testing my patience. He is not doing any of this to be cruel, this I am sure of. He wants me to see what he can do in my life and he want me to realize that I cannot be self-sufficient. He wants me to remember that I must rely on a Power great than myself in order to live a life that is in the path of His will. It's easy for my to forget these things and to rest on my laurels, and when I slip and begin to think that I've got it all taken care of, I'm given reminders regularly that I cannot do it alone.
