Anxiety sucks.
It really, really sucks.
Let me share with you my experience with anxiety.
Unless you have talked with me one on one about it, you would probably never know I have it. I've never been to the doctor and diagnosed, I've never been on medication for it, and I plan to work through what I deal with using pen, paper, and help from others. That doesn't mean all people can deal with it like I do, and I can't deal with it like others do, this is just my experience.
I'm sure if I look back and write about it, I could see the anxiety starting to simmer in middle school when we moved to Oklahoma. I'm not saying moving is the blame, because I'm sure it would've still existed had we stayed in Texas. It just made it worse more quickly.
Back in middle school and high school, my anxiety was triggered by feeling like I was stuck in the environment I grew up in and that I would stay stuck. I was afraid I could never escape the grips of my stepdad and have freedom and happiness. I worried about it, had nightmares, and constantly feared that I would have to deal with it forever. Was it rational? No. Was it a real feeling? Absolutely.
In college, I feared that I would never have enough money and that I would end up on the streets because I couldn't afford to live and go to school. I feared failure. That I wouldn't ever be able to have a stable career and not have to worry about which bill to pay that month. I feared that I would always be in relationships where they only used me and never loved me. I feared I was never good enough. Was it rational? No. Was it a real feeling? Absolutely.
Today I deal with anxiety about one inevitable event. I'm going to finally drop this weight off of my chest. I am absolutely terrified about death. I hate it. I hate talking about death, I hate thinking about it, watching it in movies, seeing it on Facebook. I can't stand it. It's a huge trigger for me.
Do I know why? Sure. I have little trust in the process of life. I want to do the things I want to do and not run out of time. I want to experience everything. Sometimes I wish I could go back and relive my childhood so it turns out better with the knowledge I have now. Sometimes I wish I could remove my attachments to people and run away forever so I don't have to deal with the heart break and grief of losing loved ones. Is it rational? No. Is it a real feeling? Absolutely.
I can't get rid of my anxiety. I've tried. Over and over and over. Meditating about it. Determinedly focusing and reminding myself that it's inevitable. Not thinking about it. Avoiding talking about it.
I've come to the point where I feel beat up and broken enough to do something different. I want to talk about my anxiety over the one thing I have absolutely no control over. So there you have it: I am terrified of death.
This fear can wind its way through everything. It can make me irritable, restless, and discontent. I feel stuck at a dead end, not knowing what I should do next. I want to run away and start over. I become unfocused and distracted.
Here's the thing I see when I look back on those moments of fear. I've gotten through it. I've been able to overcome it and move on. I've gotten stronger. I escaped the crappy childhood. I have financial stability. I have a relationship that is perfect for me. I'm not crazy enough to think I'll avoid death, but I know that I can overcome this anxiety, too.
It all boils down to one word: faith. I don't have it at the moment. I've slowly lost it in the last two years and I don't know why or where. I'm hoping it will return once more and my anxiety, though it won't go away, will lessen. I am looking forward to the day I can lay my head down at night and not have the fear seep into my heart. I am looking forward to the day where I can sit there and realize that I haven't had an anxiety attack or a moment of overwhelming fear hit me in "x" amount of days or even weeks! I will keep my head up and know that I will one day see a better day, but until then I'm going to trudge this path.
*Note*
I would also like to post on here three things. Usually when I post something more serious, people lose their minds thinking that I'm in danger and having suicidal thoughts and wanting to off myself and am manic depressive, etc.
1) I am NOT having suicidal thoughts. I am sharing my personal experience with anxiety and fear so others don't have to feel so isolated in their own anxiety and fear. I have gotten more relief than I can express when someone opens up to me about a fear they have that I have, too. Anxiety does not always equal suicide. Oddly enough, I think that route would defeat the reason of the anxiety I'm dealing with right now, no?
2) I am NOT interested in therapy or counseling I do not want people sending me info for professional help. I have a very specific way of dealing with my anxiety that works, even if it takes time. I don't want to medicate my feelings away, nor do I want to "talk it out" with someone who gets paid to listen to my problems. If counseling works for you, great. It does not work for me.
3) When you're dealing with someone who struggles with anxiety, stop effing telling them "You'll be alright," or "It's going to be okay," or "Stop worrying about it." That sh*t doesn't help. If I wanted to stop worrying about it, don't you think I would've stopped already? Perhaps try, "I'm so sorry you're struggling with that," or "If you need to talk, I'm here," or just hug them.
Monday, August 29, 2016
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty
Today I want to talk about body confidence.
Recently, I've had some experiences that have made me become even more aware of how people perceive themselves. Someone I loved was just tearing themselves apart; calling their OWN SELF fat, ugly, and frumpy. Another teen I know was talking about how gross her pooch was. Hearing people say these things about their own body made me so terribly sad. I want to do something different and take action, even if it just begins with me.
The media is a cruel tool to convince women that they aren't perfect the way they are. We see commercials telling us that this or that will make our skin flawless, the cellulite go away, our hair to be lighter or straighter or curlier. We see TV shows and celebrities that are constantly gossiped about for not having a "perfect" body. Advertisements show severely photoshopped women and say that they are naturally flawless. It took me a long time (well after my early teenage years) to see that the things I was seeing on TV were fake and unrealistic. It took much more time to learn to love the body I have but it has given me so much confidence and happiness in life.
This project might seem arrogant, but I think it's vital to love ourselves. I can't rely on someone or something to make me feel beautiful or successful, I can only rely on myself. If I try to rely on someone to make me feel beautiful or successful, I will be constantly filled with disappointment because not one person or thing can give that to me. This post is to help me see the good physical things about myself and to encourage you to do the same.
Here are 10 physical things about myself that make me feel beautiful without anyone having to tell me so:
1. That jawline, though. Seriously, I have a pretty chiseled jaw line. Sometimes it can lend to more manly features, but for me, I think it's a good feature to have and I love it. It works well with my face shape.
2. My crooked smile. If you haven't noticed, I do have a crooked smile. I was hit in the face with a seesaw when I was little and it damaged the nerves in my lip. I've learned to control my smile so I don't show the nerve damage as much, but I have also grown to like it.
3. The silliest facial expressions. Seriously, my face can make some crazy expressions. Sometimes I look like Beeker from the muppets, I can wrinkle my face up, I can smile like a crazy loon. I also love making crazy facial expressions and my face just lends me the talent.
4. Cheese! One thing I have noticed over the past few years is that I can smile and it feels natural. Does that sound crazy? Maybe so, but I can see it in photos that even underneath the posed smile, the happiness seeps through. It could be from the confidence I have been gaining over the past few years or that I am truly happy these days, regardless it's nice to see.
5. How's the weather up there? If you haven't noticed, I am tall. 5'9" last time I checked. I love being tall and I love wearing heels. There's just something empowering about being tall!
6. Fashion do's. I have learned over the years how to dress the body I have. I am tall, with a pear shaped body. I know what looks good on my body and I know what accents the good parts and how I can camouflage the areas I don't want to show off. Knowing what to wear and what looks good helps boost my confidence and in the end that radiates from my person.
7. Dat booty. Seriously though, I have a big butt. I've learned to embrace it instead of hating it. There's not enough squat sets that I can do to make my butt smaller and honestly, why would I? Extra cushion and I fill out a pair of jeans!
8. Lushus hair! My hair is wonderful. I love my hair. It's healthy and thick and currently half pink. I can hold a bun or a top knot, I can go several days without washing it, and any hair dresser I've ever been to just can't believe how healthy and thick my hair is.
9. Makeup or nah? I love wearing makeup and I'm slowly learning how to do it well. Even though I love wearing it, I've also learned to love myself with out it. It's important to love the body you're in because that's the one you have forever. I may occasionally have breakouts or circles under my eyes, but I just take care of my skin the best that I can.
10. Curve ball. A huge thing I have to remember is that everyone is human and we all have flaws. I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else. While I may look at someone and think, "Wow, they look so perfect and thin and flawless!" I'm sure they look at themselves in the mirror and can find only the things they hate. I don't want to look in the mirror and only see disapproval. I want to love myself and my body, so that's what I'm going to do.
So I'm turning this project over to you. I want you to find 10 physical things you love about yourself. If you have more, great! You can comment on this post or just post it on your Facebook and tag me or email me privately. All I want is for you to find something you love about yourself.
Recently, I've had some experiences that have made me become even more aware of how people perceive themselves. Someone I loved was just tearing themselves apart; calling their OWN SELF fat, ugly, and frumpy. Another teen I know was talking about how gross her pooch was. Hearing people say these things about their own body made me so terribly sad. I want to do something different and take action, even if it just begins with me.
The media is a cruel tool to convince women that they aren't perfect the way they are. We see commercials telling us that this or that will make our skin flawless, the cellulite go away, our hair to be lighter or straighter or curlier. We see TV shows and celebrities that are constantly gossiped about for not having a "perfect" body. Advertisements show severely photoshopped women and say that they are naturally flawless. It took me a long time (well after my early teenage years) to see that the things I was seeing on TV were fake and unrealistic. It took much more time to learn to love the body I have but it has given me so much confidence and happiness in life.
This project might seem arrogant, but I think it's vital to love ourselves. I can't rely on someone or something to make me feel beautiful or successful, I can only rely on myself. If I try to rely on someone to make me feel beautiful or successful, I will be constantly filled with disappointment because not one person or thing can give that to me. This post is to help me see the good physical things about myself and to encourage you to do the same.
Here are 10 physical things about myself that make me feel beautiful without anyone having to tell me so:
1. That jawline, though. Seriously, I have a pretty chiseled jaw line. Sometimes it can lend to more manly features, but for me, I think it's a good feature to have and I love it. It works well with my face shape.
2. My crooked smile. If you haven't noticed, I do have a crooked smile. I was hit in the face with a seesaw when I was little and it damaged the nerves in my lip. I've learned to control my smile so I don't show the nerve damage as much, but I have also grown to like it.
3. The silliest facial expressions. Seriously, my face can make some crazy expressions. Sometimes I look like Beeker from the muppets, I can wrinkle my face up, I can smile like a crazy loon. I also love making crazy facial expressions and my face just lends me the talent.
4. Cheese! One thing I have noticed over the past few years is that I can smile and it feels natural. Does that sound crazy? Maybe so, but I can see it in photos that even underneath the posed smile, the happiness seeps through. It could be from the confidence I have been gaining over the past few years or that I am truly happy these days, regardless it's nice to see.
5. How's the weather up there? If you haven't noticed, I am tall. 5'9" last time I checked. I love being tall and I love wearing heels. There's just something empowering about being tall!
6. Fashion do's. I have learned over the years how to dress the body I have. I am tall, with a pear shaped body. I know what looks good on my body and I know what accents the good parts and how I can camouflage the areas I don't want to show off. Knowing what to wear and what looks good helps boost my confidence and in the end that radiates from my person.
7. Dat booty. Seriously though, I have a big butt. I've learned to embrace it instead of hating it. There's not enough squat sets that I can do to make my butt smaller and honestly, why would I? Extra cushion and I fill out a pair of jeans!
8. Lushus hair! My hair is wonderful. I love my hair. It's healthy and thick and currently half pink. I can hold a bun or a top knot, I can go several days without washing it, and any hair dresser I've ever been to just can't believe how healthy and thick my hair is.
9. Makeup or nah? I love wearing makeup and I'm slowly learning how to do it well. Even though I love wearing it, I've also learned to love myself with out it. It's important to love the body you're in because that's the one you have forever. I may occasionally have breakouts or circles under my eyes, but I just take care of my skin the best that I can.
10. Curve ball. A huge thing I have to remember is that everyone is human and we all have flaws. I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else. While I may look at someone and think, "Wow, they look so perfect and thin and flawless!" I'm sure they look at themselves in the mirror and can find only the things they hate. I don't want to look in the mirror and only see disapproval. I want to love myself and my body, so that's what I'm going to do.
So I'm turning this project over to you. I want you to find 10 physical things you love about yourself. If you have more, great! You can comment on this post or just post it on your Facebook and tag me or email me privately. All I want is for you to find something you love about yourself.
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Why I Run
I've been running for about 6 months now. I run 3 days a week unless I am out of town. During the summer, I've been going to the gym and I alternate between running and elliptical.
I started my "big girl" job at the beginning of December. I spend 8-5 mostly sitting at a desk, only getting up to go to lunch and to get water from the basement. Nothing too crazy, no serious movement. Just after Christmas I realized that I started feeling like the humans from Wall-E.
I was at a point where I was not financially stable (thanks car), and I couldn't and didn't want to spend the money on going to the gym or taking classes, so I decided that all I needed to start running was running shoes. Not too bad.
In January, I started the Couch to 5K 7-week plan. I had a goal that I wanted to run the Color Me Rad 5K in May, and I wanted to ACTUALLY run it. So I decided to double the plan (14 weeks, 3 1/2 months, just about perfect timing). I'm so glad I did because when I started running, I didn't realize that I was getting my body fit for running for the first time ever. My body wasn't used to running: the hard impact, the heavy breathing, being out of breath, hurting. It took me a solid 2 months before I could even run 2 full miles non-stop. It wasn't easy, and often it was painful, but it paid off. So here's why I run, the benefits of running, and some tips to make it seem more possible.
Why I Wanted to Run:
- I felt soooooooo out of shape. I have never been one to work out for long periods of time. The only thing I kept up longer than a couple of months was yoga. So in the past 26 years, I've always been unathletic with spurts of athleticism. I decided I wanted to change that.
- I need to take care of my body. While I may only be in my twenties, I want to start taking care of my body. It's the time where I can change my eating habits and my exercising habits and my thinking habits most easily. My body is not in great shape, I don't have a pain-free life. I have chronic pain, frequent headaches, and other ailments that are alleviated when I exercise.
- Be the change you want to see. I have seen and heard more than I can count of people who complain constantly about being out of shape or eating too much or feeling tired all of the time, etc. I don't want to be that person. Yes, I have cellulite on my thighs and I have a pooch; yes, I eat a ton of carbs; yes, I am tired... but I CAN change that, and I wanted to be another example of, "If I can do it, so can you."
- Break out of the mundane. While I love my job, good grief it can be so boooooooring to sit at a desk and stare at a screen all day. I'm a very energetic person and need to be able to do something to help expel my energy.
- No regrets. While some people have no regret eating 3,000 calories a day and being over weight, not fitting into their clothes, sitting around all day doing nothing, or what-have-you, I have a strong sense of guilt if I over-indulge and don't do something to recompense. If I want that ice cream cone, or all 12 of those cookies, I need to do something to burn it off. In reverse, when I run, I feel good and know that I can enjoy the foods I love without feeling the guilt! As I say often, I run so I can eat.
- What's a scale? Since I've been running, I have not stepped foot on the scale. I weighed myself in January at some point and clocked in at 150. Not an upsetting weight, only 5 pounds higher than what I had been that time last year. But here's the thing. The scale is just a number. No matter what it says on there, I need to be listening to my body, not the number on the scale. I could weight 155 and be a pant size smaller due to lost fat and gained muscle. I could weigh 140 and have very little muscle and more fat. Numbers are irrelevant. If I feel good and I look good and I approve of how I feel and look, that's all that matters.
- What's a scale? Since I've been running, I have not stepped foot on the scale. I weighed myself in January at some point and clocked in at 150. Not an upsetting weight, only 5 pounds higher than what I had been that time last year. But here's the thing. The scale is just a number. No matter what it says on there, I need to be listening to my body, not the number on the scale. I could weight 155 and be a pant size smaller due to lost fat and gained muscle. I could weigh 140 and have very little muscle and more fat. Numbers are irrelevant. If I feel good and I look good and I approve of how I feel and look, that's all that matters.
The Benefits (for me):
- No more chronic knee pain. Crazy to think, but running has basically made my chronic knee pain disappear. I only hurt when the weather is changing (old wives tale but totally real, btw). I can walk a lot longer, stand longer, and overall my knees have felt very little pain in the six months I've been running.
- I run so I can eat. I stated this earlier, but it's also a great benefit. While I eat a lot of homemade meals, pasta, cereal, bread, and cheese, I keep my calorie intake low. So even though I eat carbs often, I don't eat a lot. Running has allowed me to eat more enjoyable foods without having to cut my calorie intake even more. Nice!
- I crave healthier things. I think this is a HUGE benefit. Since I've been running, my desire to eat sugar constantly has definitely decreased. I feel like since I take care of my body physically, I'll want to start feeding it better food. I have been craving more salads, veggies, and healthier things like pickles and mushrooms and bell peppers. I like to eat less processed foods as well. Sweet! Oh, and I for sure drink more water and less diet soda. Even better!
- Gets me out of my head. I'm naturally a neurotic person. I think think think think think. That's all I do. I over think and obsess over all kinds of things. Running has been amazing in the fact that it gives me an hour of time where I'm focusing on how my body is running, my posture, and my breathing instead of the thoughts running through my head. I usually have a while after I run when I feel very zen as well. Also a plus!
- The feeling of achievement never grows old. But seriously. Every. Single. Time. that I run a 5K (3.12 miles) the feeling of achievement is so overwhelming. I sometimes have to refrain myself from jumping up and down or hurrahing out loud. The feeling of amazement washes over me because it's such a huge accomplishment, even if I do it 3 times a week. The fact that I CAN run is a miracle in and of itself.
What I Have to Remind Myself:
- Excuse me, you've only been running 6 months. Yeah, you heard me. You're a baby runner. Your body is still adjusting to running. Your muscles are still strengthening. Your lungs are still adjusting. Once day you'll be able to run a 5K non-stop, but until then you're doing great!
- Running is hard. It is! Your body is doing all of these things it doesn't normally do. It's a hard impact sport. Sometimes the weather doesn't cooperate and you can't run as well because the humidity is 1000% and you feel like you're swimming through the air. Sometimes it's so hot that all you can think about is the fact that you are sure you are evaporating. Sometimes it's so cold you know your fingers are going to fall off from frostbite. But you know what? You did it anyway!
- It's okay to be inconsistent. Some days I can run 3.12 miles non-stop and slightly winded, some days I can run 2 miles and I'm dying, there was a 2 week period where I re-sprained my foot and just did yoga instead. Occasionally I skip running when I'm out of town. I just need to make sure I get back on track as soon as possible. I'm not perfect, and I don't always make it, but I try and that's all that matters.
- Ew. You are going to be so gross and sweaty even though you thought it wasn't possible. You'll even sweat when it's snowing outside. You'll think to yourself why did I even bother with wearing nice workout clothes? It's cool, I do the same thing.
- You're gonna hurt. For the first 3 months I CONSTANTLY had shin splints. All day every day. It felt like a horse kicked me in the shins nonstop for months. I iced them, used a heat pack, ibuprofen, etc. Running helped, and eventually they went away. I can't even remember the last time I had them! Also charlie horses and stitches in the side are two other things that can and will happen.
Tips I've Learned
- Ponytails. I wear my hair low on my neck. If I wear a high ponytail it just bounces around and eventually becomes too loose to function and I have to stop and redo it. Wearing it low helps me not worry about it.
- Headbands. Cotton headbands are nice. When I'm running outside, I wear them to keep the wind from blowing hair in my face.
- Makeup. I usually take my makeup off before I run for one main reason. If I sweat profusely while wearing makeup, I have a tendency to have more acne breakouts than if I have a clean face. Also, if I'm running outside, it allows my skin to get some sun (a healthy dose!).
- Clothes. I've gotten by with cheer shorts, running shorts, yoga pants, and sweat pants. They all work. Don't think you need fancy pants just to run. Start with whatever you've got! I also wear a plain t-shirt or tank and a cheap sports bra. Easy peasy.
- Breathing. Look up tricks on breathing exercises to help strengthen your lungs for breathing. I don't do much, I just inhale longer and exhale slower. It seems to help. It's definitely something I need to look into more!
- Stretching. I know, if you're like me, that you think stretching sounds so dumb and like a waste of time. It definitely helps to loosen and relax your hamstrings before running, and to do a cool down stretch after. I've had some painful injuries due to not stretching. Ouch.
- Eating & Drinking. I refrain from eating a couple of hours before I run. This is because I have acid reflux, and if I eat that close to working out, I will almost always throw up. Drinking has the same affect as well. Sometimes my blood sugar drops while running, which sucks, but you can always try eating a high protein snack maybe 30 minutes before you go out.
I hope you've found all of this helpful. It was nice when people just like me could share on running and I was able to relate to their experiences with ones of my own. Good luck, and don't forget: You CAN do it!
Friday, July 1, 2016
Miracles of the Program
There are days when I feel like things aren't going the way I want them to, and that's when I get to thinking about the incredible opportunities God has given me. This photo is from my May 2013 college graduation.
While this may have happened just over three years ago, it's a reminder of the miracle that Al-Anon has bestowed upon me.
There are some things in this post that are personal, that I don't talk about often, and normally don't write down for it to be permanently placed on the internets forever and ever, but this post is real and comes from the heart and I won't be holding back my thoughts and feelings.
Three years ago, I graduated from OU with a bachelor's degree. I invited a host of family members knowing that because they all live so far away that many of them might not be able to show up. I also invited ALL of my family, meaning I invited my dad's side and mom's side.
Here are the reasons why this photo is a miracle.
1. My mom (in the center with blonde curly hair) and my dad (baseball cap in the back on the left) divorced when I was really, really young. The fact that my parents could come together for my sake made me so incredibly happy. I was able to share my achievement with both of my parents, which meant more than I could say.
2. My paternal grandparents (the stellar looking gentleman holding the baby in the front left and the beautiful woman in the pink shirt behind him) got to see me graduate, after many struggles in college and in life. My Peepaw paid for my college and for that I will be forever grateful. He gave me the opportunity to succeed, something I didn't think I was going to get.
3. This photo wouldn't have happened before. This I know, because when I graduated high school my family "wasn't allowed" to spend time together. My mom and my now-ex-step-dad were married when I graduated high school. I invited all of my family to come see it because, duh, it's a big deal. Well, because of my stepdad's super controlling tendencies, and him being an overall jerk, he wouldn't allow my dad's side of the family to see me on my graduation weekend. I was BEYOND upset, I was livid. Enraged. Broken hearted. Everyone was hurt, not just me, and it was a totally unacceptable action he took.
4. Both sets of my grandparents got to see me graduate college! Then they got to mingle and talk and catch up afterwards! You see, they never had any hard feelings towards each other (to my knowledge). The high school fiasco was out of everyone's control and it was wonderful to get to experience all of my family coming together with no resentment and to just focus on the celebration.
5. See those two little girls in the front? Purple shirt and pink shirt? Those are two of my sisters. One of my brothers is to my left in the beanie.
6. My aunts, my uncle-in-law, my cousin and her daughter(s) (she was preggo with her 2nd!), my mom's husband, and Jose's mom, dad, and cousin all got to be there, along with wonderful friends, my boss at the time and his awesome family, and some of my best friends. It's just incredible! So many people I care about and love!
6. Because of Al-Anon, I didn't have to worry about the mildly-crazy things that happened this weekend. I got to focus on spending time with people who wanted to come see me and celebrate my achievement. It didn't matter who was acting out, I didn't have to get resentful or upset, I didn't have to think about why this couldn't have happened in high school. I could be grateful for this awesome, wonderful, amazing opportunity to have most of my family together and be happy, joyous, and free.
What's one photo that reminds you of a miracle that has been bestowed upon you? Let me know!
While this may have happened just over three years ago, it's a reminder of the miracle that Al-Anon has bestowed upon me.
There are some things in this post that are personal, that I don't talk about often, and normally don't write down for it to be permanently placed on the internets forever and ever, but this post is real and comes from the heart and I won't be holding back my thoughts and feelings.
Three years ago, I graduated from OU with a bachelor's degree. I invited a host of family members knowing that because they all live so far away that many of them might not be able to show up. I also invited ALL of my family, meaning I invited my dad's side and mom's side.
Here are the reasons why this photo is a miracle.
1. My mom (in the center with blonde curly hair) and my dad (baseball cap in the back on the left) divorced when I was really, really young. The fact that my parents could come together for my sake made me so incredibly happy. I was able to share my achievement with both of my parents, which meant more than I could say.
2. My paternal grandparents (the stellar looking gentleman holding the baby in the front left and the beautiful woman in the pink shirt behind him) got to see me graduate, after many struggles in college and in life. My Peepaw paid for my college and for that I will be forever grateful. He gave me the opportunity to succeed, something I didn't think I was going to get.
3. This photo wouldn't have happened before. This I know, because when I graduated high school my family "wasn't allowed" to spend time together. My mom and my now-ex-step-dad were married when I graduated high school. I invited all of my family to come see it because, duh, it's a big deal. Well, because of my stepdad's super controlling tendencies, and him being an overall jerk, he wouldn't allow my dad's side of the family to see me on my graduation weekend. I was BEYOND upset, I was livid. Enraged. Broken hearted. Everyone was hurt, not just me, and it was a totally unacceptable action he took.
4. Both sets of my grandparents got to see me graduate college! Then they got to mingle and talk and catch up afterwards! You see, they never had any hard feelings towards each other (to my knowledge). The high school fiasco was out of everyone's control and it was wonderful to get to experience all of my family coming together with no resentment and to just focus on the celebration.
5. See those two little girls in the front? Purple shirt and pink shirt? Those are two of my sisters. One of my brothers is to my left in the beanie.
6. My aunts, my uncle-in-law, my cousin and her daughter(s) (she was preggo with her 2nd!), my mom's husband, and Jose's mom, dad, and cousin all got to be there, along with wonderful friends, my boss at the time and his awesome family, and some of my best friends. It's just incredible! So many people I care about and love!
6. Because of Al-Anon, I didn't have to worry about the mildly-crazy things that happened this weekend. I got to focus on spending time with people who wanted to come see me and celebrate my achievement. It didn't matter who was acting out, I didn't have to get resentful or upset, I didn't have to think about why this couldn't have happened in high school. I could be grateful for this awesome, wonderful, amazing opportunity to have most of my family together and be happy, joyous, and free.
What's one photo that reminds you of a miracle that has been bestowed upon you? Let me know!
Monday, May 2, 2016
Things to Think About
Welcome to another personal blog post!
I just wanted to give a bit of an update on life because I feel like it's due time.
At the beginning of the year, I posted the commitments that I wanted to work on this year.
I am proud to say that I've been keeping up with them pretty well! I guess that's what I can post about here. It'll be nice to pull all of my thoughts together in a cohesive manner.
If you want to read my 2016 Commitments post, click here.
1) Become more "house wife-y"
I wrote about how I wanted to do more at home, cook more, clean more often, and spend more time with my boyfriend. It's been nice spending more time at home! I am trying to keep up with general house-keeping by doing little things around the house on a daily basis. Like, instead of just tossing dirty dishes in the sink to clean every four days, to spend 30 seconds washing my dishes. When the laundry hamper gets full, don't ignore it, but start a load of laundry. When I notice the carpets are getting dirty, just do a quick sweep with the vacuum.
I know some people might be thinking, "duh" but I have a tendency to get "busy" and ignore the most common ways I can take care of my dwelling and at the end of the week I don't have four hours worth of chores to do instead of relaxing!
I'm also trying to cook and bake more, which has been going somewhat well. More often than not, I am only cooking for myself, so I have to get creative when it comes to cooking for just one. I'm also baking once or twice a week, something like muffins for breakfast and then cookies or a cake for fun-sies! I've enjoyed having time and energy to cook and bake again and it's definitely healthier than microwave meals or eating cheese-its for dinner.
2) Embrace my delightfully weird self
I have definitely been embracing my delightfully weird self! I've recently started a blog called The Geeky Baker and am slowly starting up that and a YouTube channel that focuses on geeky things like themed baked goods, DIY crafts, home decor, and things like that!
I also just bought the 3rd season of Game of Thrones and received the 4th season as a birthday gift, so there goes my social life! On top of that, I'm still reading books from my 2016 Reading Challenge list! Click here for that post!
3) Read more books
I guess I just jumped right into my next category! I've been reading some pretty good books lately. I am currently reading The Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkien because it's Lord of the Rings and why not?! I've just started that one last week, so it'll be a while before I jump into the next book. I also just found out the American Psycho is a book, and I'm kind of curious if I should purchase it??
4) Take care of myself
This has been the most important thing of my commitments! Here's a list of things I've been doing to take care of myself:
- Running 3 times a week
- Making a conscious decision to eat healthy meals regularly
- Making a gratitude list every evening before bed
- Going to the doctor instead of ignoring my health problems
- Getting a haircut, taking care of my skin and nails
- Reset when I'm having an off day
- Doing what is right and good for me
So! That's it for now. I've been very busy as of late but I've definitely had a good first part of the year and I'm looking forward to the rest!
I just wanted to give a bit of an update on life because I feel like it's due time.
At the beginning of the year, I posted the commitments that I wanted to work on this year.
I am proud to say that I've been keeping up with them pretty well! I guess that's what I can post about here. It'll be nice to pull all of my thoughts together in a cohesive manner.
If you want to read my 2016 Commitments post, click here.
1) Become more "house wife-y"
I wrote about how I wanted to do more at home, cook more, clean more often, and spend more time with my boyfriend. It's been nice spending more time at home! I am trying to keep up with general house-keeping by doing little things around the house on a daily basis. Like, instead of just tossing dirty dishes in the sink to clean every four days, to spend 30 seconds washing my dishes. When the laundry hamper gets full, don't ignore it, but start a load of laundry. When I notice the carpets are getting dirty, just do a quick sweep with the vacuum.
I know some people might be thinking, "duh" but I have a tendency to get "busy" and ignore the most common ways I can take care of my dwelling and at the end of the week I don't have four hours worth of chores to do instead of relaxing!
I'm also trying to cook and bake more, which has been going somewhat well. More often than not, I am only cooking for myself, so I have to get creative when it comes to cooking for just one. I'm also baking once or twice a week, something like muffins for breakfast and then cookies or a cake for fun-sies! I've enjoyed having time and energy to cook and bake again and it's definitely healthier than microwave meals or eating cheese-its for dinner.
2) Embrace my delightfully weird self
I have definitely been embracing my delightfully weird self! I've recently started a blog called The Geeky Baker and am slowly starting up that and a YouTube channel that focuses on geeky things like themed baked goods, DIY crafts, home decor, and things like that!
I also just bought the 3rd season of Game of Thrones and received the 4th season as a birthday gift, so there goes my social life! On top of that, I'm still reading books from my 2016 Reading Challenge list! Click here for that post!
3) Read more books
I guess I just jumped right into my next category! I've been reading some pretty good books lately. I am currently reading The Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkien because it's Lord of the Rings and why not?! I've just started that one last week, so it'll be a while before I jump into the next book. I also just found out the American Psycho is a book, and I'm kind of curious if I should purchase it??
4) Take care of myself
This has been the most important thing of my commitments! Here's a list of things I've been doing to take care of myself:
- Running 3 times a week
- Making a conscious decision to eat healthy meals regularly
- Making a gratitude list every evening before bed
- Going to the doctor instead of ignoring my health problems
- Getting a haircut, taking care of my skin and nails
- Reset when I'm having an off day
- Doing what is right and good for me
So! That's it for now. I've been very busy as of late but I've definitely had a good first part of the year and I'm looking forward to the rest!
Monday, April 4, 2016
Evaluation
So last week I had an evaluation at work. It is typical for my anxiety to go through the roof when I have to meet one-on-one with a boss, and this wasn't any different.
One thing I did differently this time: I prayed.
It wasn't a super religious prayer. It wasn't even complicated. I simply asked God to help me listen to my boss so I can see how I can be a better employee. That's it. Then we headed to my eval.
He asked me if I was nervous. I just smiled and said, "Nah, not really." (TOTALLY LYING, SORRY J. I WAS PANICKING.) He just responded with, "Huh, normally people dread these things."
We grab a coffee at a nearby cafe and sit down to discuss my short time at the office. It was actually pretty pleasant, and I knew that whatever he told me I needed to take with a grain of salt and see it as an opportunity to perform my designer-ly duties better.
Shockingly enough, my evaluation was great! I met all expectations of my job performance and I even went beyond expectations. He told me he was impressed by my interest in all of our projects and clients, and admired my willingness to learn more about the projects I was working on. I also got a beyond performance on listening, receiving, and conveying information and direction as well as working cooperatively with others.
I do have some goals that I want to work on in the next 9 months. I want to take more initiative in projects that are discussed but never started. I think design projects are often put on the back burner because people want to spruce things up or do something fun but get stuck with ideas on what to do visually. I'm hopeful that these initiatives will help me increase my creative thinking and problem solving by working on projects without being told exactly what to design and giving myself more creative freedom.
Another goal is to learn more about the programs I'm working with. I have at least 25 programs that I work with through the University and I know a bit about some of them, but I want to know more. This will help me get to know my clients and it will also help me better design projects with the right content in mind.
All in all, I am so grateful that my job is going well and that I enjoy doing what I do. I couldn't be where I am today or do the things I do without the help of my friends and family. I used to be so afraid to confront my character defects and not look at what I could do different. I used to blame others for my wrong doings. Today I don't have to do that and it feels good to keep my side of the street clean!
One thing I did differently this time: I prayed.
It wasn't a super religious prayer. It wasn't even complicated. I simply asked God to help me listen to my boss so I can see how I can be a better employee. That's it. Then we headed to my eval.
He asked me if I was nervous. I just smiled and said, "Nah, not really." (TOTALLY LYING, SORRY J. I WAS PANICKING.) He just responded with, "Huh, normally people dread these things."
We grab a coffee at a nearby cafe and sit down to discuss my short time at the office. It was actually pretty pleasant, and I knew that whatever he told me I needed to take with a grain of salt and see it as an opportunity to perform my designer-ly duties better.
Shockingly enough, my evaluation was great! I met all expectations of my job performance and I even went beyond expectations. He told me he was impressed by my interest in all of our projects and clients, and admired my willingness to learn more about the projects I was working on. I also got a beyond performance on listening, receiving, and conveying information and direction as well as working cooperatively with others.
I do have some goals that I want to work on in the next 9 months. I want to take more initiative in projects that are discussed but never started. I think design projects are often put on the back burner because people want to spruce things up or do something fun but get stuck with ideas on what to do visually. I'm hopeful that these initiatives will help me increase my creative thinking and problem solving by working on projects without being told exactly what to design and giving myself more creative freedom.
Another goal is to learn more about the programs I'm working with. I have at least 25 programs that I work with through the University and I know a bit about some of them, but I want to know more. This will help me get to know my clients and it will also help me better design projects with the right content in mind.
All in all, I am so grateful that my job is going well and that I enjoy doing what I do. I couldn't be where I am today or do the things I do without the help of my friends and family. I used to be so afraid to confront my character defects and not look at what I could do different. I used to blame others for my wrong doings. Today I don't have to do that and it feels good to keep my side of the street clean!
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Book Review #3 - Cinder, Scarlet, & Cress (The Lunar Chronicles)
Hello and welcome to book review number 3 for the 2016 Reading Challenge!
This week's review is brought to you by: the future!
This last week I read three of the (#?) books from The Lunar Chronicles: Cinder, Scarlet, and Cress. I was doing some research and realized I have no idea how many books are in this series. I could'v'e sworn when I finished reading Cress last night, I saw five books on the back cover... but on Goodreads, I only found 4, plus several side-story books. So I'm not really sure how many more there are to go.
(Edited to add: After finding TheLunarChronicles.com I have discovered that there are six books in the series! The remaining three are: Fairest, Winter, & Stars Above)
Anyways! I bought these three books to cover three different categories in my reading challenge list. A Book Based on a Fairytale, A Romance Set in the Future, and A Dystopian Novel. They are in the young adult section at Hastings, and I'm assuming would be there in most large book stores as well.
The Lunar Chronicles: Cinder, Scarlet, & Cress by Marissa Meyer
Categor(ies): A Book Based on a Fairytale, A Romance Set in the Future, and A Dystopian Novel.
Rating: 9/10
Summary: Fun, cute, and exciting series.
The Lunar Chronicles are, much to my surprise, a great series of books. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the first three. I read them pretty quickly... in 7 days. That's what happens when I enjoy good books! The book takes place after WWIV, the main location being New Beijing; a new city that had been developed after the massive destruction from the war.
There are three types of "people" in this book: Earthens (a.k.a. Earthlings), Cyborgs (part human/part robot), and Lunars (beings from the Moon that have supernatural capabilities). Cyborgs are actually held to a Cyborg Protection Law that does not allow them freedom; they have to be "owned" by a human, even though they are technically human anyway. Cyborgs are thought of as less than humans and looked to do more service/maid work for the Earthens. Then there are Lunars, which basically no one on Earth likes. They live on Luna (a.k.a. the moon) and have mystical powers.
Without ruining the book and writing a novel about what happens, essentially the Queen of Luna wants to rule the world. She has set a biological warfare (a disease called Letumosis) on Earth without anyone knowing about it and it's slowly killing off the human race. In the first book, the new Emperor, a young boy, is trying to find a way to stop the disease being spread while keeping peace with Luna. The Queen of Luna insists the only way to bring peace is by marriage. The Emperor believes that there is another way to bring peace between Luna and Earth, and that is to find the missing Princess Selene and bring her to rightfully rule on the Lunar throne.
This is the basis of the first three books. There are multiple roles interchanging throughout the books, a writing technique that I enjoy. This is also done in Game of Thrones and The Dark Tower series. The character development is quite impressive for there being so many of them, and the plot has a great way of wrapping itself around all of the characters like a glove.
I only have one problem with this book: It's kind of predictable.
The book is obviously written for young adults and teenagers. Of course, I consider myself neither, so the plot was pretty obvious about 3/4 of the way into the first book. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy the series, and I will most likely buy the other three books and read them, but I could probably just guess what would happen to each character and be right.
This books reminds me a lot of Harry Potter, but I feel like Rowling put more into the books that adults would also appreciate. I don't consider Harry Potter to be a YA book series by any means. There was a lot more depth and detail going into the darkness of the wizarding world that I haven't come across yet in The Lunar Chronicles. Maybe in the next three books, more will be revealed and I'll be totally wrong. That would be a nice change of pace!
The best part of the book, for me, is the group of misfits that are the primary characters throughout the series. Cinder, Scarlet, Cress, and the other characters are the epitome of awkward and goofy outcasts. The reason I love this is because I could relate to them so easily. Being a teenager or young adult, I can imagine how awesome it is to read that the awkward citizens of the world are ones that are going to save it.
So to wrap this review up: I am impressed with The Lunar Chronicles and Marissa Meyer's writing style. I've enjoyed these immensely and I would definitely recommend these to someone who is looking for a series that has action, sci-fi, romance, humor, and heroic tendencies.
This week's review is brought to you by: the future!
This last week I read three of the (#?) books from The Lunar Chronicles: Cinder, Scarlet, and Cress. I was doing some research and realized I have no idea how many books are in this series. I could'v'e sworn when I finished reading Cress last night, I saw five books on the back cover... but on Goodreads, I only found 4, plus several side-story books. So I'm not really sure how many more there are to go.
(Edited to add: After finding TheLunarChronicles.com I have discovered that there are six books in the series! The remaining three are: Fairest, Winter, & Stars Above)
Anyways! I bought these three books to cover three different categories in my reading challenge list. A Book Based on a Fairytale, A Romance Set in the Future, and A Dystopian Novel. They are in the young adult section at Hastings, and I'm assuming would be there in most large book stores as well.
The Lunar Chronicles: Cinder, Scarlet, & Cress by Marissa Meyer
Categor(ies): A Book Based on a Fairytale, A Romance Set in the Future, and A Dystopian Novel.
Rating: 9/10
Summary: Fun, cute, and exciting series.
The Lunar Chronicles are, much to my surprise, a great series of books. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the first three. I read them pretty quickly... in 7 days. That's what happens when I enjoy good books! The book takes place after WWIV, the main location being New Beijing; a new city that had been developed after the massive destruction from the war.
There are three types of "people" in this book: Earthens (a.k.a. Earthlings), Cyborgs (part human/part robot), and Lunars (beings from the Moon that have supernatural capabilities). Cyborgs are actually held to a Cyborg Protection Law that does not allow them freedom; they have to be "owned" by a human, even though they are technically human anyway. Cyborgs are thought of as less than humans and looked to do more service/maid work for the Earthens. Then there are Lunars, which basically no one on Earth likes. They live on Luna (a.k.a. the moon) and have mystical powers.
Without ruining the book and writing a novel about what happens, essentially the Queen of Luna wants to rule the world. She has set a biological warfare (a disease called Letumosis) on Earth without anyone knowing about it and it's slowly killing off the human race. In the first book, the new Emperor, a young boy, is trying to find a way to stop the disease being spread while keeping peace with Luna. The Queen of Luna insists the only way to bring peace is by marriage. The Emperor believes that there is another way to bring peace between Luna and Earth, and that is to find the missing Princess Selene and bring her to rightfully rule on the Lunar throne.
This is the basis of the first three books. There are multiple roles interchanging throughout the books, a writing technique that I enjoy. This is also done in Game of Thrones and The Dark Tower series. The character development is quite impressive for there being so many of them, and the plot has a great way of wrapping itself around all of the characters like a glove.
I only have one problem with this book: It's kind of predictable.
The book is obviously written for young adults and teenagers. Of course, I consider myself neither, so the plot was pretty obvious about 3/4 of the way into the first book. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy the series, and I will most likely buy the other three books and read them, but I could probably just guess what would happen to each character and be right.
This books reminds me a lot of Harry Potter, but I feel like Rowling put more into the books that adults would also appreciate. I don't consider Harry Potter to be a YA book series by any means. There was a lot more depth and detail going into the darkness of the wizarding world that I haven't come across yet in The Lunar Chronicles. Maybe in the next three books, more will be revealed and I'll be totally wrong. That would be a nice change of pace!
The best part of the book, for me, is the group of misfits that are the primary characters throughout the series. Cinder, Scarlet, Cress, and the other characters are the epitome of awkward and goofy outcasts. The reason I love this is because I could relate to them so easily. Being a teenager or young adult, I can imagine how awesome it is to read that the awkward citizens of the world are ones that are going to save it.
So to wrap this review up: I am impressed with The Lunar Chronicles and Marissa Meyer's writing style. I've enjoyed these immensely and I would definitely recommend these to someone who is looking for a series that has action, sci-fi, romance, humor, and heroic tendencies.
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