Living the Life I Want

Thursday, September 26, 2013

September Update!

Hello there, you are once again invited to read a blog post on my monthly happenings. This month I will be talking about September.

Yes. September. I can't believe it has already passed and is now October, then the next thing I know it will be Christmas, then I'll be 30. Ok... maybe not that quickly. But it feels like it sometimes!

Work

Ahh yes, work. Jobs are just great aren't they? Do you think dream jobs exist? Or do you have to create them yourself?

Yes, I said something similar to that in my last post. I'm on the verge of a quarter-life crisis y'all. I don't know what to do. I'm praying and I'm being patient. No drastic or rash decision making, I'm just sitting, waiting, praying, following the footwork, sitting, waiting, praying...

Working from home and working alone is driving me crazy. Literally. I talk to my dog and the computer and I sing showtunes all day. Don't get me wrong, I love showtunes, but Chauncey is not very good at responding to me when I ask a question about coding.

If you're reading this and believe in sending good thoughts or prayers, please pray a simple prayer for a Higher Power to show me which career path I should take!

Personal

I struggled with writing this part in my blog. I'd written it over a week ago on a bad day and bad week when I was feeling frustrated and angry and feeling sorry for myself. I felt very isolated, which I more than likely brought upon myself. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, and last week, I had to feel sorry for myself. But then I was able to spend time with two very good friends this last week and it made me feel way better.

If you feel like my emotions go up, down and all around, they do. I'm a very emotional person, and I have no problems with it. Sometimes life is great, sometimes life sucks, and that's how it works. I'd rather have a huge array of emotions than none whatsoever. What a boring life that would be!

On a brighter note, the State Fair was a fantastic opportunity! I really really loved making everything, the competitions, the cute ladies who sat around and watched with me. We talked and joked and they just kept on giving me admiration for doing so much at such a young age. They were incredibly inspiring! They were so supportive, and they were just ladies I met on the day of the competition that loved to do what I love to do: bake! The fact that I have two blue ribbons and a purple rosette just blows my mind! What a feat! I'm hoping that God opens up this door for more opportunities but we shall see.

Love

Love is unconditional. I am very grateful for that. I really just love Jose unconditionally. How often does that happen? Rarely. We have our differences, of course, but as Jose told me on our anniversary, we fill those holes for each other and help the other person see things they don't normally see. We are a great example of yin and yang.

It's saddening to see unhealthy relationships last so long. I've seen it all my life and I strive to be unlike them. Another reason it's sad is because I've been in unhealthy relationships where there was no respect or love. It breaks my heart to see people just sit in the warm pile of poo they call a relationship because that's what they are comfortable doing. It also makes me sad to see people cling to their S.O. with the hopes that they will solve all problems. Or the fact that people fear being alone or independent. It's just really sad.

Experience, Strength, Hope

Opportunity has been a big word lately. It's been showing up everywhere. I mean it. Everywhere. Maybe it's a sign? All I know is that I'm not settling. I'm okay with where I am at just for today. I am taking it One Day at a Time. I'm not going to make rash decisions nor will I sit around feeling sorry for myself. I'm grateful I have this kind of life today. I wouldn't be who I am without it.

That being said, I will not just sit around and accept that things aren't the way I want them to be. If I don't like it I will change it! Expect some big changes coming soon!

Puppy

This little goober is the most stubborn and smartest goober I have ever met. He knows things. He knows sit, lay down, shake and speak. But only when he feels like it. Drives me crazy!

The most stressful thing about having a pet, especially a puppy, is not knowing what they need, when they need it, or what they want. I don't understand dog. He doesn't understand human. That really stresses me out. It's a slow process, but it's getting better. He's almost fully potty-trained, as well!

I have learned so much with this pup, it's emotional overwhelming. I've never in my 24 years of living had to take care of someone/thing else. It's always been all about me. Now, I have this adorable 5 month old puppy who relies on me to take care of him and love him and teach him to be a well-trained dog. That responsibility is overbearing sometimes and I feel like I'm not doing enough. But I've been told several times that I'm doing a great job and I'll just believe that they believe in me until I can do it myself.

Health + Exercise

I think it's time for a lifestyle change. I've been waking up with headaches lately, along with having constant back pain. I'm sure it's from sitting in an office chair all day. Or just sitting in general. Along with not eating well because I got tired of cooking but am too lazy to get food. Welcome to my life, haha. I also think it's time to start something new.

I went to ashtanga yoga last week and it was amazing. I think this will be something that becomes consistent in my life. It was challenging, but not too challenging to where I felt discouraged. A perfect balance, if you will.

I'm also working on cutting dairy out of my life. This may or may not be impossible. Milk, yogurt, and butter aren't the problem, it's the cheese. My word, I love cheese so much. And if you know me, you definitely know that. So I'm working on cutting out all the cheese I eat. Which is a lot. But I've been eating some red meat again, so I'm not going vegan. I just don't think I need to ingest so much fatty dairy. Too much of a good/tasty thing is not a good thing, ya dig?

Saturday, August 31, 2013

August Update!

A little blurb on my thoughts and experience through August.

Work

Jobs. They're great aren't they? Do you think dream jobs exist? Do you think you can make your own dream job?

If I could make my own dream job, I'd have a bakery and a design shop. I'd sell cake and pie by the slice (as mentioned in a previous post), and I'd sell my designs such as stationary, screen printed things, and other crafts I enjoy. I would/could sell wedding/event packages like cakes/desserts/invitations/stationary/etc. I'd be so happy. It would be like The Social Club, except food instead of a hair. It would be amazing.

Also, if you haven't seen, I'm need to do freelancing. I have to save up money for a few large expenses coming up. So if you or anyone you know needs design work done, contact me. I've designed for people near and far. If you don't know if I can do it, just ask. I'm diverse in my design talents. Just email me.

Wedding invitations for my former boss! So fun!

Personal

I love hanging out with friends. Too bad I don't have a group that hang out consistently. I used to have a group of friends in middle school, I had basically the same group of friends in high school except we kind of branched out, and even into my early years of college. We would always hang out all the time. Whatever happened to that kind of socialization? It's like we're so busy doing things that we forget friends exist. I do it, too. I'm trying to suceed in life, I have a puppy, I have a boyfriend, a house to take care of, other things, freelancing. So when do I have time to hang out with friends? Sometimes I wish I had a specific night of hanging out, where a bunch of people come over and we watch like 2 movies and eat pizza and popcorn and just chill.

The great thing is that because of my job, I feel more connected with the local scene. It's so cool that there is always something going on almost every weekend ever. Last night I went to H&8th. I almost always go to 2nd Friday. I just started going to Tuesday Trivia Night at McNellies. There are always thing going on at the Opolis, downtown OKC, Campus Corner. I mean it's endless! Which is great!

I've also been doing a lot of knitting, crafting, baking and cooking. I love knitting. I'm currently working on socks. They are intense (the learning process and trial & error is crazy) but they are so cool looking! Then I just recently finished a Harry Potter scarf, which I love!

I'm also entered in the Oklahoma State Fair to do 6 different contests! Ahhh! I have a cookie jar contest, a pie contest, a cobbler contest, two cake contests, and a cupcake contest. It's been fun testing things and trying new recipes. I can't wait to drop everything off! Only one more week! Ahhh!

Love

Ahhhh love. I love love. I love being a good girlfriend. I will tell you, it's not easy to not think of yourself first. Since we've moved into the new apartment, I have essentially become the homemaker. Except I have a job, so technically I'm not. What's humorous is that I just looked up what homemaking is. Basically I manage the home. Y'all... It's hard work. (PS that Wiki page is hilarious) There was a time where I thought I'd get a HUGE resentment because I keep the house clean, do the laundry, feed and water the dog, cook a few meals a week, work a decent chunk of the day, etc. But after I talked with someone I realized that it's a commitment I'm willing to take. I keeps me busy, the house stays clean, I get my job done, and I love taking care of my boyfriend. Now if only he'd propose. ;] (I would say I'm kidding, but who am I kidding? I'm not kidding at all. LOL)

<3 (Also, if you click on propose, you'll see something I want!)

Experience, Strength, Hope

What a year for experience, strength and hope! 5th year, y'all. Take about seeing every single one of my character defects in action and having to give them all up. If I don't let go of these defects, I will destroy everything I have. I could easily do that, too. I catch myself thinking in old ways and wanting to say/do things that would only be because of my past. If you know what this section is about, then you know what I'm talking about. I feel like this summer has definitely been about awareness and honesty with myself. I have to be honest when I do something wrong, and I have to see it immediately or I will slip back into that crazy lifestyle I had before. Thankfully I don't have to do this alone. There are a handful of people who have really helped me grow this summer and I want to thank them. They may/may not know who they are. :]

Sorry in advance, but I love this pic! 2 great friends! :]

Puppy

Oh my gosh. This puppy. Chauncey. Chauncey Bruner. Pug. 10 pounds. Fawn coat. Adorable. Energetic. Wall-eyed. Did someone pray for me to have patience? Because if you did, it has arrived to me in puppy form. What an experience having a puppy has been. He is so adorable and so young and just has no idea what he's doing half the time. He chases his tail for 30 minutes straight, he snores even when he's awake, he loves loves loves sleeping on mommy's lap and playing with daddy. He loves being petted and getting attention. He chews on everything because he's teething. He drinks so much water, but most of it really goes on the floor. He is not quite potty trained and sometimes just has the urge to pee in the middle of the floor. We're getting better at it.

Chauncey has been and will continue to be a miracle in my life. Teaching/training him has been a HUGE test on my patience and my compassion and understanding. I realized I have neither. I kind of knew that before, but now it's definitely visible. I get mad, I get frustrated, I get upset, I yell then I cry because why am I yelling at a puppy???? It's getting better but boy do I have some glaring defects. He just wants me to be happy! You should see his face when he knows I'm mad. His ears are down and he comes over and sniffs the closest body part (usually my feet) and then gives it a tiny lick and glances up at me to see if I'm still mad. I can't stay mad at that! What a cutie. I love him so much!

I can't tell if he's laughing at me or yawning...

Health

Eczema and psoriasis. Yup. Got both. Apparently I just have super super sensitive skin. I was recently "diagnosed" with eczema and was told I had psoriasis sometime last year. I put quotations around diagnosed because, really, a large majority of people have skin problems. Mine just happens to be a whole bunch of them.

Let me tell you, because I don't complain often about it, but... it sucks. Having skin problems is the ONE thing that hinders my self-esteem. My skin will never be smooth, it will never be mark free, and I will constantly battle with scented lotions/soap/detergents/etc. Oh and I have varicose veins. Gross.

Here's what I've found out over the summer. My skin reacts to soap, lotion, detergent, moisturizer, face wash, makeup, mascara, eye liner, perfume, scented anything, pet dander, heat, humidity, heat, and more heat.

I am allergic to my mascara and probably my eyeliner as well... just figured that out yesterday. Makes sense why my eyes have been burning for the last few months. Duh.

I am allergic to lots of face wash. I have to be careful or I will puff up like a blow fish. This is not an exaggeration. Quite hilarious until it happens. I've recently changed to Neutrogena Naturals facewash. I use Neutrogena make up (except mascara, which I will be switch over to this weekend).

I am sensitive to scented lotions/body washes. So I switched over to Aveeno in July. It's super expensive (everything is $8+ per item) but it's totally worth it. My itchiness and dryness have scaled down tremendously.

Being hot is torture. I'm not burning (as in sun burn) but my skin burns and itches like crazy. Sweat makes it worse, but sweating is supposed to help eczema, so it's like a lose lose situation. Haha. Oh well! I love being cold, and our apartment stays cold constantly. Jose usually wears pants or a sweater and here I am sitting in shorts and a tank top, usually still quite warm. Life on life's terms!

Exercise

Ok all you healthy exercising people. Help me out here. I think I want to start working out again. Some form of exercise. There is one problem though...

I can't do anything that involves jumping or running. So there goes 95% of all exercise options, I know. It's because of my knees, as most of you know. It would destroy my knees... Actually, that's what destroyed them in the first place!

I want to do something that will help my cardio and maybe tone me up. I don't want a 6 pack or intense body building muscles. I just want to improve my cardio and tone my arms and legs. It would be more beneficial to me to do something that's consistent and fun, not just sitting alone in my house watching a DVD. I'll tell you right now, I won't do it.

So if any of you have any ideas, let me know!

Also if anyone likes tennis or wants to learn, I'm willing to teach and/or play with you!

Monday, July 22, 2013

Gratitude

As I'm sitting here ~~patiently~~ waiting for the magazine to upload via FTP, I can't help but think of today and the last few days, the last few weeks, and the last few months.

This summer has been a weird one. I'm not even sure I can wrap my brain around the events of this summer, but they are all very out-of-the-element for me.

I realized today, as I was trudging through one of the longest days of my life (it seemed), that I am really greatful for where I am today.

There are always things I'm grateful for, and most of the time I don't think about them. But today I felt the gratitude coming in on me in waves. Maybe it's my pure exhaustion, my anxiety, my whatever. I am super sensitive to my emotions today and wanted to take the time to write about it.

I got an email from my trust fund (a.k.a. my grandfather who helped me with college) saying that they would pay off the rest of my $600+ bursar bill. I'm so grateful I have grandparents who care about my future and want me to be successful.

I have a car that runs, and I don't have to make payments on it, my insurance is cheap and I get great mileage. Yes, this seems petty, but I am grateful I have these opportunities that some people just don't get.

I'm grateful I am financially stable (as long as I don't go on shopping sprees). I haven't been financially stable ever. I have a job that I work full time and I get paid well. I can live comfortably with a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach. I don't have to live in financial fear.

Life is not as bad as it seems. In all reality, if I compared my problems to those of some of the people around me, I am living the grand ol' life. I have everything I need and that is all that matters. I have a boyfriend who loves me, I have friends who are there for me when I need them, and I never have to face anything alone.

There are circumstances around me that have made me realize how grateful I should be. I can get so caught up in the whirlwind of life that I can easily take things for granted, such as life. I am not living on my time, I am living on God's time. I just want to be a good person and do good things and be content with where I am.

So that is my thought for the day. I am grateful I'm where my feet are.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Bonus Day 31 - 30 Day Challenge

A vivid memory.

Hmm... I have several vivid memories. To me, those are the turning points in my life, the moments when I know I need to change or when I realize I have changed. Sometimes they are moments of loss or grief. Other times they are of pure joy. Here are two that will always stick out in my head:

1. When I knew a new chapter in my life was about to begin.
This was three years ago. I had been thinking recently around this time that I needed change in my life and it wouldn't happen until I had the strength to break up with my horrible boyfriend. It was a terrible relationship and I was too scared to end it. I was a nanny/babysitter for a family with three kids and I was sitting out on the porch watching them play outside. I got a phone call while I was out on that porch that day that I couldn't say was anything less than a miracle. Our relationship was finally over and I was so so so relieved. I remember just thinking that God had done something for me that I couldn't have done for myself and I am forever grateful for that day and that moment.

2. When I fell in love with Jose.
I remember this like it was yesterday. We had been dating a little over a month and were at OU/TX sitting on the gigantic ferris wheel at the Texas State Fair. He leaned over and kissed me and it was just so adorable and sincere that I knew right then we would be together for a long time. Oddly and funnily enough, we didn't drop the L-bomb until January. Hah!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Day 30 - 30 Day Challenge

React to this term: Letting Go.

This is one of my favorite sayings!

I think one of my latest blog posts was exactly about this, but I'd love to talk more about what it means to me.

I am the kind of person who likes to hold on to things. I like things I'm used to, and I don't like things I'm not used to. It's simple. I like to be comfortable and content with where I am, who I am, who I'm with and what I'm doing.

My Higher Power, however, wants me to keep changing. He doesn't want me to be complacent or stagnant, He wants me to grow and become a better person every day.

And to be honest, there are days when I get frustrated and want to stay exactly where I am.

On days (or weeks or months, and in some cases almost years) when I don't want to do anything right I just want to be where I am and not have to worry about change, I have to let go.

I have to let go of my expectations, my will, my ways of thinking, my ideas, my attitude, my fears, my worries, my everything. Obviously what I'm doing is not helping and my actions are not changing what's around me.

One prime example in my life was just last January to August. Everything around me was changing. I was a junior on my way to being a senior in college. My boyfriend had changed. He quit smoking, he quit partying, he quit eating unhealthy and he started exercising. It was a strange thing to see my boyfriend of almost two years change so drastically and it really threw me off. Then it seemed like school was changing. It was getting over-dramatic and obnoxious and I started to hate school. I started to not enjoy hanging out with people anymore, they were driving me crazy and I couldn't stand listening to their drama. During this time my mom moved to Texas, I was struggling finding a stable job, it was getting closer and closer to that point where I would have to grow up and I grew scared. I had been so comfortable going to school the last 20 years that I didn't know if I could make it out there. All of this was going on around me and I was stuck. I didn't know what to do and I didn't like it.

Finally, after EIGHT of the LONGEST MONTHS OF MY LIFE, I surrendered. I had to let go or I wouldn't be able to take it any more. I finally prayed to God to help me and let go of all my fears, expectations and old actions. It is amazing what God can do, because that's exactly what happened.

This last year (since August) has been amazing. It was one of the most enjoyable school years I had, I was able to accept my boyfriend for who he is, even if it was different than what I knew. I can get on my knees and pray to my God to remove my expectations and attitude so I can be a better person. I have less fear today about my future and know that my Higher Power will help me as long as I stay near him.

So that's what letting go means to me.

Being able to give up what's comfortable, even if I'm miserable, so I can grow and learn and in the end be happy, joyous and free.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Day 29 - 30 Day Challenge

Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories. Use Grooveshark or YouTube to include them in the post.

1. Blue October - Into the Ocean

This song literally saved my life when I was younger (late teens). I was really struggling back then, and I remember discovering them, of all places, while I was working at JCPenney. I remember thinking how heartbreaking and how real this song seemed to me, and I continued to listen to Blue October for years. (On my CD it's been listened to probably 100+ times)

2. Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes - Home

This song is the song of Jose's and my relationship. Gross, right? I love this song, always have and probably always will. It's endearing, it's sweet and it feels true in my heart. (On iTunes, it's been listened to 110x)

3. John McLaughlin - So Close

This one is interesting. I love the song and I heard it first while watching Enchanted. It's such a sweet sweet song, and I still haven't figured out if it's about being together forever, or not being able to be together forever.... regardless, I still love it. (On iTunes, it's been listened to 80x)

4. My Chemical Romance - Helena

Let's bring out the emo shall we? I looooooved MCR so so so much in high school. It's still embedded in my brain and I'm pretty sure I remember all the lyrics to every song they ever made. So there's that. I used to draw pictures of MCR in my notebooks and wear red and black because it was obviously cool. I also had crushes on guys who looked like they could easily be a band member. I was so cool. (On my CD it was played probably a 1,000,000+ times)

5. Landon Pigg - Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop

One more squishy one. This one is really sweet. I just really like it and the fact that it talks about coffee... Okay it only says this twice, but still. (On iTunes, it's been listened to 91x)