Book Review #1 - The Lord of the Rings + Challenger Deep

Hello!

Welcome to the first book review of the 2016 Reading Challenge!

Throughout the year I will be posting book reviews over the books in my 2016 Reading Challenge. It sounds simple because it is simple. I will try to update as often as possible because I want the content of the book(s) to be fresh on my mind so I can give my most accurate opinion.

Three weeks into the new year and I have finished two of my books! The first one I read was The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien. This was for my A Book & its Prequel category. The second book was Challenger Deep by Neal Shusterman. This was for my National Book Award Winner category. So let's just jump right into the reviews!

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien
Category: A Book & its Prequel
Rating: 9/10
Summary: Detailed, long read, imaginative, vast

This is one of my favorite trilogies and favorite worlds in Book Land. I absolutely love the idea of Middle Earth and its history and stories. I have read the trilogy before, along with The Hobbit, The Silmarillion, and a few other books from that land.

The Fellowship of the Ring is the beginning of Frodo Baggins' adventure, but it also ties in deeply with the history and conclusion of Middle Earth. There are many things in this book that, when reading it the first time around, felt lost on me, like I was missing pages with valuable information. However, after reading The Hobbit and The Silmarillion, this story line is a lot more clear to me.

There are a few things I like about Tolkien's writing. First, he is detailed. I love detail because it allows me to imagine the character more accurately while I'm reading the story. I'm very visual and very right-brained, which means that as I'm reading I have to create the images I'm reading. If I don't get enough detail, I feel like I can't connect to the storyline. Second, his book has more story than meets the eye. Much of a character's history can be found in other books, which means that I can go find said books and learn more about the inhabitants of Middle Earth. Third, he is just a great writer. I learned long ago that some books have what I call "the hook." The hook is what gets me going. If the author writes something good enough or intriguing enough, I have to keep reading to find out what happens next. That is how Tolkien writes, in my opinion. He has the hook and reels me in every time!

One thing I like about this book in particular is that he gives each character the opportunity to have a personality. We all know it's about The Ring and how it needs to be destroyed, so the focus is mostly on Frodo. However, throughout the book, each of the characters of the fellowship are focused on which allows you to learn more about their character and get more insight on how they will help or hinder the company.

One thing that might confuse some and even confused me the first time reading this book is the plethora of "extra" characters that come up once and are never seen again. I have mixed feelings about this for which I will discuss my positive view and my negative view. My positive view is that, yes, there are all of these extra characters that pop up and disappear, but that is how life works. We have these random roles filled about us with people we never see again. I feel like Tolkien did a great job making this very realistic. However, as a book from a trilogy with a huge amount of characters, it is overwhelming... along with the 3-5 names each person is given (Elfish, Dwarf Tongue, Common Tongue, Old Tongue, etc) that you feel like you need to remember. It can just become overwhelming!

So to wrap this review up: I would recommend this, highly, to anyone who is willing to hyper-focus on the trilogy, and even perhaps delve into the Silmarillion and side-stories. However, if you're looking for a quick read, I would pass it up.

Challenger Deep by Neal Shusterman
Category: A National Book Award Winner
Rating: 10/10
Summary: Creative, eye-opening, overwhelming, stigma-breaking

The original book I was supposed to read for National Book Award Winner was Fortune Smiles by Adam Johnson. Apparently my Higher Power had better things in mind.

When I went to the bookstore this weekend, I was looking for Fortune Smiles and couldn't seem to find it. It looked like my bookstore had a huge sale and a lot of shelves were wiped clean. I didn't find too many of the books I was looking for and was wandering towards the front when I saw another book I needed for my list. Then, I glanced down and saw Challenger Deep. I remembered it being on the National Book Award list and thought, "I'd rather buy this book now than order the one I'm supposed to read online." What a lazy thought, but it proved to be exactly what I was supposed to do.

Without spoiling the book, the basis of the story is about a 15 year old boy named Caden Bosch who is struggling with a mental illness. You don't quite get it at first, pages 1-30 are a little random, but I think that's the point. It goes on to narrate the story inside of Caden's head, his thoughts on everything surrounding him.

I will admit, I did not quite understand what was going on. Then, there was this point about 50 pages or maybe 100 pages in where it clicked.

You see, I know several people who struggle with mental illness. I know someone who is bipolar and manic depressive. I never quite understood them, and still don't quite understand them, but this book helped show me what is going on inside their head. Sometimes they leave reality and become manic and paranoid over things we don't see or understand. My friend would tell me they think someone is following them home from work, or that someone was watching their house, that they couldn't leave their child with someone else because something could happen to the child. Most of the time I would ignore it, or think they were being weird, and I occasionally would get irritated if it happened more than once a week. Now I know it's not weird, but it's a mental illness. They can't help it. Even if they KNOW they are being irrational, they can't control the thinking in their head.

I don't know... this book struck a cord with me. It was very eye-opening. It's helped me to understand that mental illness can't be willed away. Some days the illness is bad, really bad, and some days it's just there waiting to take over.

If you have ever read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon, I would like to think that Challenger Deep is a similar style, both stigma-breaking and eye-opening books. If you haven't read The Curious Incident, you should, it's a great book, another one I highly recommend.

I just have to finish with this: the stigma of mental illness is not good. I think many people don't understand what mental illnesses are and it makes them cast out those who have it. I don't quite understand bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, manic depression, and those other scary diagnoses. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully understand them, but this book gave me the inside scoop on how people with a mental illness deal with life. It's scary, terrifying even. I can't imagine going through that kind of ordeal. What I can do, however, is have compassion, and try my best to just accept them for who they are, even when I can't help.

So to wrap this review up: I would HIGHLY recommend this book. I don't care who you are, what genre you read, how much time you have, just read it. It took me one day to read, and I would stop to do laundry, make meals, play with the dog, etc. Just read it!

2015 Year in Review // 2016 Commitments

Happy New Year!

I can NOT believe it's 2016!

2015 was an interesting year. In many ways it challenged me to step out of my comfort zone and to face a lot of fears I had. I believe 2015 was a year of growth. I learned a lot about myself and I'm grateful for all of my experiences (the good, the bad, and the ugly).

I would love to do a recap of 2015. I won't make it as long as the ones I've done before. I want to focus more on 2016 because I'm excited for what's to come!

I started helping teens with that thing I do regularly. It has been interesting doing something for others that takes away selfish thinking. It has its ups and down (can someone say teenage hormones, because good grief) but overall it has been a fun experience. I struggled with this at first because I wanted so badly to save these kids from their homes (and themselves), but I've learned that I can't do that. I can only show them how to make changes within themselves if they want it. (Above photo was our anniversary celebration at Hey Day. What a great memory!)

Another thing that happened in 2015 was getting Bronson, and then finding him a new home. This was one of the hardest experiences I have ever had the pleasure(?) of dealing with. I wanted a second dog so badly and found Bronson via Craigslist. It seemed like a wonderful idea, and truthfully was nothing but good intentions, but... Bronson was the second most stressful living being I had ever dealt with all of my life. I'm going to be brutally honest here because I feel like it's important to tell the truth about what I was dealing with. I tried so hard changing my personality to fit Bronson's needs that I got incredibly depressed. The depression stemmed from feeling like a failure. I couldn't help Bronson become less timid and submissive, I couldn't prevent him from peeing in the house or submissively peeing, and when I failed I would get angry, then I would yell and holler and punish, then I would feel guilty and try it all over again. It caused a lot of problems in our house. I was miserable. I cried all the time. I only dealt with the dogs when I had to. I stopped talking to people. I felt terribly alone and isolated. I wanted to leave and never look back. When I finally spoke up about rehoming Bronson I was so stressed out. Thinking about it today still stresses me out. It caused a lot of tension and unwanted stress. But I had a choice to make: I was going to lose my mind or find this dog a new home. Eventually enough "incidents" happened to where I finally had a breaking point and found Bronson a new owner. The last I heard from the owner, Bronson is a very happy farm dog chasing all the deer and wildlife he wants.

Another experience in 2015 was job hunting. I talked about this in my last post but it was a major point in the last year, something that shaped my path and taught me a lot. I have learned (through that thing that I do regularly) that I am a huge people pleaser and full of fear. Maybe that's normal, maybe it's not, but my fear of disappointing people and fear of failure can ruin me. This is so serious that it's almost hard to talk about. I started struggling with my last job when some of the executive decision-making was making me uncomfortable, but I was so worried about upsetting my boss that I didn't do anything. Let's not forget that I was actually working two jobs for half of last year so I could pay my bills. I really questioned why I was allowing myself to suffer so much just to bake. Why would I put myself through something so tedious and not get anywhere when I have a degree in a very stable career field? So, after battling with my fears, I finally made the step to look for a new job in the fall. It took a few months but I finally got offered the job I'm currently at through OU. What's been fun to see in the last month is that my desire for baking and cooking at home has come back. I look forward to it instead of dreading it when I get home. I'm also less tired which in turn makes me less irritable. Last, but definitely not least, is that I am now financially stable, and can really look at doing things I've been holding off just so I could bake while barely making ends meet.

I also competed in the Oklahoma State Fair again. I didn't do as well as I wanted to, but I did place 1st in several categories and overall I did a great job raking in the ribbons. It was fun to recipe develop and try new things. It allowed me to take risks that I haven't done in baking before. Some of it worked, some of it didn't, but I feel like it made me more brave. One thing that has held me back over the past year or so is not having the money to try new recipes. I didn't want to waste $15 if the recipe was going to turn out okay. I've been wanting to work on new cheesecake recipes as well, and while it's hard for you to mess those up, cream cheese is expensive! I'm excited that I'll have the time and money to focus on more recipe developing and hopefully jump back into food blogging again!

Overall, I think 2015 has taught me one VERY important thing: I've gotta do me. I have to make the effort, the decisions, take the risks, the leaps of faith, I have to take care of me. If you noticed, I only talked about myself in this post. It's been a long time coming before I could manage to do that (and I had to rewrite a few paragraphs). Usually it was other people, places, and things that made me happy, but 2015 has taught me that only I can make myself happy. I can't rely on outside forces to do these things for me, I have to rely on what is on the inside. This year was hard. VERY hard. I made a lot of decisions that put me in EXTREMELY uncomfortable situations. I had to confront people. I had to quit a job I loved but could no longer financially support me. I had to get rid of a dog. I had to accept when I was wrong and amend those situations. I had to accept some situations that weren't going to go my way.

But here is the cool thing. Are you ready? You want to hear what happened?

Everything turned out okay.

2016 Commitments

I am like many other people in this world. I hate the word resolutions. When the New Year comes around, I groan just thinking about seeing all of these resolutions being made just so they can be broken in a month. Womp womp.

So this year I made the decision to change the word from resolutions to commitments. Why? Because I can make a commitment. I can hold a commitment. I feel like when I commit, it holds me accountable of something. It gives me more responsibility. I have also found that I can't seem to force myself to change. I can't just consciously think to myself, "Hey Kelli, let's stop doing this and from now on only do this." I mean... what. I can't do that. First off, I have to be willing to change. I feel like the new year forces people to pick things to change rather than become willing to change it. Sometimes I become willing in April. Or October. It's not always January. Second off, a lot of change for me occurs on the inside. Not the outside. Changing things on the outside don't make me feel better in the long run. I have to change the way I'm thinking and acting in order to change my life around me.

So this year I have just a couple of commitments.

1) Become more "house wife-y"
I know this doesn't make sense. I'm not married, this is true. This means, to me, that I want to do more at home. I want to cook more meals, I want to keep up with chores around the house, I want to spend more time at home. I spent a lot of last year just running around instead of embracing what was around me. I have a lovely home, an adorable pug, and hard working boyfriend, and I want to become more a part of that setting.

2) Embrace my delightfully weird self
In the past, I spent a lot of time hiding the things I enjoyed from people because I hated being judged. This last year I realized that if I spend all my time shaping myself to other peoples particular needs that I will never be able to embrace my weird. I love my weird. I am a nerd, a fan girl, I love to read, I love to do crafty things, I love to look up weird theories about books and movies and learn an unnecessary amount of information about them. So this year, I'm going to embrace that. If I see an awesome Harry Potter dress at Hot Topic and I can't live without it, then I'm going to buy it. If I see an opportunity to quote a line from Lord of the Rings in a conversation, then I'm going to quote it. If I have 4 hours on a random weekend to watch Game of Thrones obsessively and pine over the fact that Winds of Winter won't be out for a really long time, then I'm going to do that.

3) Read more books
I have an entire post about the 2016 Reading Challenge right here. Last year I read the first 5 (and the only published) A Song of Fire and Ice books by George R.R. Martin. (For those of you who don't know, that is where the TV show Game of Thrones comes from. Game of Thrones is the first book of the series. The rest of the books are all titled differently.) I really enjoyed reading something new for the first time in a while, so I decided that I would join a reading challenge to get myself reading new genres. Ironically enough, my first book is The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien, one that I have read before, but wanted to reread and it fit nicely into my challenge list.

4) Take care of myself
This is kind of generic, but something I want to focus on for 2016. Taking care of myself means a lot of things to me. Sometimes it means taking care of my body, such as skincare or exercise. Sometimes it means taking care of my emotions, such as journalling or meditating. Sometimes it means indulging in something, such as buying a new purse or getting my hair did. It even means taking care of my health, such as going to the dentist or the doctor when I need to. I spent a lot of time ignoring myself in 2015 (especially the first half) and just focusing on everything around me. I stopped wearing makeup, I stopped dressing nice, I stopped journaling, I stopped caring. It had a lot to do with being depressed, but I realize that I can't just ignore my body, my feelings, or my thoughts. I need to embrace them and work with them. If I'm having a bad day, I need to reset. If I'm tired, I need to take a nap. If I'm feeling ugly, I need to get dressed and put on some make up and fix my hair. I want to try to get back into yoga again, but I will be taking it very slowly since my body is recovering from working on my feet for the last 2ish years.

So! That's my 2016 commitments list! I'm looking forward to working on this a little bit at a time! Now, it's your turn to type! What are your 2016 commitments? Do you have any? Do you wish you could've made some? It's not too late! You can begin to grow and change any time you want to!

2016 Reading Challenge!

Hello everyone! 

This past summer, I was having one of those days where I just thought to myself, "If I don't do something relaxing, I'm going to explode." So I filled my bathtub up with super hot water and a bath bomb, grabbed a book off my bookshelf, and locked myself in the bathroom for an hour. 

Well, that book happened to be Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin, and from there on I was hooked. I read all 5 books in the series A Song of Ice and Fire and then my soul shriveled up and I didn't know what to do with my life. I'm sure those of you who become obsessed with a book series get me. Some of you are reading this thinking that I've gone nuts. It happens. 

Anyways, after reading those, I had to take a bit of a mental break (that's 4,975 pages of mind blowing literature I just read in 3 months). 

If you are anything like me, you go through phases a lot. Usually I spend several months obsessed with a hobby, then I move on to another hobby, and then I'll pick back up an old hobby, and so on and so forth. Reading isn't necessarily a hobby for me; it's a way of life. I had taken a few months off after I read The Shining and Doctor Sleep (both by Stephen King) and then reread the Harry Potter series. I knew that these books had resparked my interest in picking reading up again, so I decided to participate in this 2016 Reading Challenge to get me out of my comfort zone of sci-fi/fantasy novels. 

My goal with this book list is to do a book review after I finish each one here on this blog. I want to be able to remember what I read instead of just reading with my eyes and not soaking in any information. 

A little background of my reading habits and my preferred genres:

1) I love sci-fi novels. Those are my jam. 

2) My first favorite author was Stephen King. The first book I ever read by him was The Dark Half; a book I found on my mom's bookshelf from a long time ago (which my dad claims was actually his??)

3) Up until Doctor Sleep, I've read about 90% of Stephen King's work. After Doctor Sleep I couldn't seem to keep up with how many books he was cranking out, so I've slowed down on purchasing his work. 

4) I love reading series of books. There's something about jumping into another world for thousands of pages and feeling like you experience life with them. I love it so much. 

5) My favorite series are, in no particular order, Harry Potter (duh)(J.K. Rowling), Lord of the Rings (J.R.R. Tolkien), A Song of Ice and Fire (George R.R. Martin), and The Dark Tower (Stephen King). 

6) Once I get sucked into a book series, then I will go find any book that relates to that series. Not a joke.

7) I also love classic literature. I own a bunch of classic books. Basically the stuff you are supposed to read in high school.

8) I tend to stray away from romance genres. Nicholas Sparks' work can burn. So dumb. Seriously. So. Dumb. 

9) I also tend to stray away from non-fiction. I spend enough time in the real world, I don't want to read about it. 

10) When I pick up a book, I don't like to put it down.

11) I will NEVER read more than one book at once. 

I've started working on my list already because I knew if I didn't get a head start on what I wanted to read in 2016 that I might not get started to begin with. Also, if you don't want to count but would like to know how many books there are: 41. If you'd like to do the challenge, the image of the list is below or you can follow the link at the bottom for the original article!

2016 Reading Challenge

Key: Book Picked Out // Book Not Yet Picked Out // Have Read

• A book based on a fairy tale - Cinder by Marissa Meyer
• A National Book Award Winner - Challenger Deep by Neal Shusterman
• A YA bestseller - Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell
• A book you haven't read since high school - Slaughterhouse-five by Kurt Vonnegut
• A book set in your home state - The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
• A book translated into English - The Brothers Lionheart by Astried Lindgren
• A romance set in the future - Cress by Marissa Meyer
• A book set in Europe - The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins
• A book that's under 150 pages
• A New York Times bestseller - A Knight of Seven Kingdoms by George R.R. Martin
• A book that's becoming a movie this year
• A book recommended by someone you just met - The Man in the High Castle by Philip K. Dick
• A self-improvement book - A New Pair of Glasses by Chuck C. 
• A book you can finish in a day
• A book written by a celebrity - Bossypants by Tina Fey
• A political memoir
• A book at least 100 years older than you - Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen
• A book that's more than 600 pages
• A book from Oprah's Book Club - As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
• A science-fiction novel - The Wasp Factory by Iain Banks
• A book recommended by a family member - Paradise Lost by John Milton
• A graphic novel
• A book that is published in 2016
• A book with a protagonist who has your occupation - The Cheese Monkeys by Chip Kidd
• A book that takes place during Summer - Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury
• A book and its prequel - The Hobbit & The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien
• A murder mystery
• A book written by a comedian - Yes, Please by Amy Poehler
• A dystopian novel - Winter by Marissa Meyer
• A book with a blue cover
• A book of poetry
• The first book you see in a bookstore
• A classic from the 20th century - The Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkien
• A book from the library
• An autobiography
• A book about a road trip
• A book about a culture you're unfamiliar with - Battle Royale by Koushun Takami
• A satirical book
• A book that takes place on an island
• A book that's guaranteed to bring you joy - The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien

The books suggestions highlighted in YELLOW are ones I haven't pick out yet. Do you have any suggestions on what I should read for those? If so, comment below or back over on my Facebook page!

Find the original post and this list here!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Hello guys! This post has been a long time coming!

I'm sure you guys don't sit on the edge of your seat waiting for me to post a blog update about my life, but I always like to keep the friends and family that care updated on some of the "bigger" things in life.

With that being said, I've enjoyed sticking to my blog format of the handful of categories I write about with a selection of photos thrown in. This post will be a little bit about the past several months and I will update with another blog post about my New Year's Resolutions after Christmas!

Work

Well, just in case you haven't noticed, I have a new job! I am now working at The University of Oklahoma in the Outreach department as a graphic designer for Marketing and Communications. Tongue twister, huh?

I have a few reasons from transitioning back into design and leaving the baking world behind. My number one reason was finances. Honestly, I couldn't afford to work at a bakery any more. I was barely keeping up with my bills and the fact that I've had to invest WAY too much money into my car the last several months has caused some serious financial distress. Needless to say, I had to get a job that I could make a living with. Two, working "my dream job" was causing health issues. I was constantly tired from waking up early or not getting enough sleep, I was pulling muscles left and right, I developed tendonitis in my hands, and my varicose veins were starting to look not so good. On top of these to problems, I was becoming depressed for a multitude of reasons that I won't get into, and all of these things combined was making my dream job become a nightmare. It was no longer worth it to expend so much energy while creating a deficit in my life.

My new job has been interesting! My work environment is not as intense as I expected (though we are coming up on the holidays, so I assume it might pick back up a little come spring). I am enjoying relaxing and not stressing about intense deadlines on a regular basis. My coworkers seem really nice, but the great thing is that I have my own office and I spend most of my time working in peace and quiet! I get to go home for lunch (hello money saver!!!) and see my pup and possibly Jose. Overall it seems like I'm going to do just fine here. I'm excited to see what projects I get to do!

Personal

While contemplating writing this blog, I had to stop to think about my personal life. I have been so busy the last two weeks that I haven't thought about it too much. I've spent the last few months struggling with an ongoing problem I have, which is learning to balance life and accept changes. I always get frustrated when things around me change, especially when I don't want them to. Once again, I've caught myself not understanding why I'm irritable, restless, and discontent when people aren't wanting to hang out, are too busy to talk, are (seemingly) ignoring my texts, etc. Why can't I just have the same friends for longer than a couple of years? Is this some kind of sign I'm not getting yet? Am I doing something wrong? Or is that just how life is? Seriously. If you're reading this and can relate or tell me why, please leave a comment.

On the other hand, I've been feeling a lot more introverted lately. I really don't want to talk to anyone, I force myself to hang out or go do things when I don't feel like it, and I feel like I've been going nonstop for weeks and weeks and weeks. I'm ready to slow down and relax some. I don't feel like I should just constantly be on the move and never have time to sit and home and be lazy, or just snuggle with my dog in my pjs.

Ironically, this two things are probably related. My lack of friends has me feeling alone and isolated, once again leaving me to not want to do anything ever because who cares. No one. Pity party for 1, your table is ready! Alright, time to move on.

One major thing that happened this year was getting a new job. I had quite a bit of anxiety about getting a new job. I felt despair, fear, uncertainty, lost, angry, confused. I just didn't know what to do. In September, I applied for a job in Dallas. Not many of y'all knew about that. I had so much anxiety about moving to a new place (on top of some other issues I was having that I will not indulge in) but I felt like I was being given a doorway to walk through. So, I applied, had a phone interview, then got invited to the office in Dallas for an in-person interview. I was excited and full of fear. You guys, I don't normally just apply for jobs willy-nilly and think to myself, "Well! If I get the job, I'll just move!" I've become so comfortable with Norman but I knew I needed to make a big change soon. Right when I finally accepted that I might just have to move out of state, I was told I didn't get the job.

Oddly enough, I felt at peace. I truly felt like God had been nudging me quietly, telling me that I needed to trust Him and just do what I felt was the right thing to do, not what I wanted to do. What I wanted was to stop feeling so uncomfortable, but the idea of moving was so uncomfortable that I just felt like that was what I was supposed to do. I don't grow when life is calm and I'm content. I grow when God is teaching me lessons through trial and error.

Needless to say, I didn't get that job. It did, however, give me to determination to keep applying for jobs in the Oklahoma City and Norman area. It wasn't easy. I applied to dozens and dozens of jobs and waited impatiently for a response. Just when I thought I would give up and try again after Christmas, I got an email requesting me to interview at OU! In the end, God wanted me right where He thinks I should be. At home. :)

Experience, Strength, and Hope

I had to come back to this paragraph because I felt like I didn't have anything to share. Who am I kidding? I always have something to say. (Did you think I wasn't aware of that? Oh, I totally am.)

I've had an eye-opening moment. Usually I don't like these moments and I try to ignore them because it means that I'm seeing something that I need to change within myself. Here is what happened:

I was talking with a friend about some issue they were having. It was an issue that had come up, no joke, over 5 years ago. I sat and listened. I empathized. I related. Then I realized. Oh, my, gosh. I do that. I talk about things that bother me that happened forever ago. I find no solution. I just complain. That's all I do. I gossip about the people that wrong me make a decision I don't agree with and complain about it. Does that ACTUALLY change anything? No, of course not! Do I really want to spend years letting something bother me that I can't or won't do anything about? Good grief, no. No, no, NO.

I've noticed this a lot. A LOT. About several different people. Do I really think gossiping about someone is going to make them change? I hope not. Would I change if I heard someone gossiping about me? No, I would be hurt more than anything. I need to stop. I need to quit caring what other people do. If it didn't affect me, who the hell cares? I shouldn't. It's none of my business.

Puppy

As you can see, our family is back to just having one fur baby. In the end, after 6 months of trying and failing, I had to make the decision to find Bronson a new home. It was not an easy thing for us, I was afraid of so many things that could happen because of that decision, but my mental health was deteriorating due to not being able to properly work with Bronson. I had a lot of issues with him being submissive and fearful, urinating in the house, and running away. I didn't want to get a knock on the door saying he'd been hit by a car or him becoming so fearful he would get aggressive with me or even Chauncey. Last time I checked, he was happily living on a farm in the Norman area, his owner a single male (perfect for Bronson, he's not a fan of ladies) with lots of land to run and play on. There may come a day where we look into getting a puppy again, but Jose and I have had serious conversations about what kind of breed and when the best time for that would be, and we are looking into fostering for the local pug rescue to get a feel of having two little dogs again. We'll see where that leads us!

Love Life

5 years later, and Jose and I are still kicking it! I've been doing a lot of reflecting and observing lately and I hope that Jose and I are a good example of a happy healthy relationship. That doesn't mean that we never disagree on things or that we never get frustrated with each other, it just means that we accept each other for who we are and love each other unconditionally. I want what is best for Jose and what is best for myself and I hope that that makes us a better couple. I always admire and respect relationships where each person is an equal. Neither one is less than the other, and that both are respectful to each other.

My goal is to always respect Jose. I know there are times where I feel like I don't get enough attention from him, that he's never home enough, that he doesn't do enough, blah blah blah. There are reasons that I often overlook. When he's not home, he is either at work or at Jiu Jitsu. If he is at work he is making money to pay the bills, to take me out to dinner, making extra money so if something happens and I'm in financial distress he can help me (like my car problems). If he's at the gym, he is pursuing his dream. He's training to fulfill his dream of teaching Jiu Jitsu. Do I really think he should give up his dream to be at home so he can sit on the couch next to me? That's just ridiculous. When I'm complaining because "he doesn't do enough" do I ever consider that he's exhausted from working 12 hour shifts and training part-time? Nope, sure don't. Sometimes I can't believe how selfish I can be. I've been trying really hard to focus on these aspects of Jose, how hard working and determined he is. And you know what? This year, he won Student of the Year at the BJJ gym he attends because of those very reasons. I'm so proud of him for that.

In Conclusion

I've had a weird year. I've learned a lot, I've let go a lot, I've held on a lot. I'm human, I have my moments, but I'm learning and trying my best to just accept things where they are and move on. Sitting around moping and day dreaming isn't going to get me anywhere in life. I need to be active, aware, and present in my life. That's my goal.

February 2015 - Detaching

Hello all!

It hasn't been too long since I've posted a blog but I felt the desire to write and get some things off my chest. I hope that my experience can help you relate and also give you hope. But of course, you kind of need to know what I'm talking about, so let's jump right in.

Lately all I've done when I get on Facebook is one of two things:
1) I compare myself with others (i.e. "Oh look, they got engaged after dating 9 months… that's great.")
or
2) I judge people for being stupid (i.e. "They believe in what? Are you kidding? That's scientifically proven wrong (or right)!"

Honestly, I'm sick of hearing myself being so judgmental, whether it be out of jealousy or out of arrogance. So I think I'm going to detach.

I'm constantly seeing FB users post photos of all the awesome things they're doing (and I'm guilty as well) but for the only reason it feels like to me is to put on show to boast about how awesome their lives are.

I've read tons and tons of articles about this effect. Of feeling less than because of our comparing tendencies when we log on to social media. Though I can always tell when a photo is staged or a status seems EXTRA fake happy, it's hard for me to put that in perspective and remember that I'm doing just as good as everyone else (or maybe even better).

On top of that, I don't want to be that person. Always posting photos of my pretty dogs or how happy I am with my face squashed up next to my boyfriends, perhaps my dinner was extra super delicious. These cute fuzzy slippers? You gotta see them. Oh, I made 80 billion cupcakes today, too. On top of all that, I decided to paint/bake/crochet/read an entire book.

I've attempted "Honesty Posts" before and got a backlash from what seemed like my entire friends list and I was tired of hearing people tell me they were worried about me. I'm not depressed, but I am real, and sometimes my being real consists of me lounging on the couch in my pjs at 3 in the afternoon with my snoozing pups. Sometimes my being real consists of me getting frustrated with things I can't control. Sometimes my being real consists of me being overly happy about the silliest thing, like buying cute fuzzy slippers.

But I forget about being real when I start to compare myself, my insides, to people's Facebook feeds. I think that I must not have it all together if I'm not 100% happy all the time. It sounds silly doesn't it?

What I'm learning is that I have GOT to stop comparing myself to others. It kills my self-esteem and my confidence and leaves me feeling doubtful and like a complete failure.

My goal this next year (I'm tacking another one on my list) is to learn to stop comparing myself, to stop comparing my successes and failures to another's, and to learn to be okay with where I am, and be grateful for what I have today, whether it be a good day or not, my worst day now was better than my best day 6 years ago.

January 2015

Hi all! Welcome to another blog post!

I'm a little late this year. I wanted to do a recap of 2014 and a New Year's Resolution for 2015, but it's February 1st and I'm just not going to do it. 

HOWEVER, I'll express some of the things I've been feeling/dealing with lately with my typical format. In advance, thanks for reading and I hope you can relate! 

Work

I've been working more at Gigi's than I have since I started. I hit overtime this last week for the first time in a while. Work is interesting because not only am I working my dream job, but I firmly believe that God has put me in a position to learn how to work with people on a daily basis. Coworkers and clients alike, I'm learning to deal with… well… people. I haven't done that in such a long time, because working at Boyd Street was like working behind an electronic mask. On top of that, working at Gigi's where we have only 7 employees is like working with family, and that can be incredibly difficult. Not because of anything they do, but because of how I react. I try really REALLY hard to not bring my personal problems into work, and sometimes I fail miserably. I also try really REALLY hard to be patient with people who are also dealing with life, and sometimes I fail miserably at that, too. But what's really neat is that I can accept myself for who I am and realize that I make mistakes and can make living amends to whomever I have harmed, and I can also accept others for who they are, and I get to do that over and over and over and over again! God gives me a second chance and a third chance, and a thousand chances to keep trying to be a better person. Thank Him for that!

Personal

Hmmm. My personal life has been weird. I struggle with January, it's one of my least favorite months. I tried going into this month thinking, "Let's do this!" and it kind of flopped. It seemed like every single thing went wrong but I realized two major things about myself this month that I haven't seen before. 

First, I had begun to rest on my laurels. I was doing great with everything, life was becoming balanced and I was starting to think I had done something to deserve this, then BAM… I began to be humbled. I made some mistakes at work, I made some mistakes at home, and it felt like I was making mistakes everywhere, but instead of seeing what my part was, I blamed everyone else. I'm not saying that everything that happened was 100% my fault, but I had a part in everything and refused to see it because I thought I couldn't make mistakes. I have been humbled in many ways these last 6 weeks and while I didn't like it at first, I'm starting to understand that this is how my Higher Power wants me to be on a regular basis. He wants me to be teachable and I can't do that if I refused to be taught because I think I know it all. 

Second, I decided that I could handle more. This kind of ties into the first reason, but also adds to it. Like I decided that I needed a second job and a second dog. Why in the world I thought I could handle both while one of the busiest periods of the year is coming up, I don't know, but I did. I've apparently decided to test my own patience and am finding that I have made a very bad decision. Now, I've accepted my responsibility and will continue to handle my second job and my second dog as best as I can.

Experience, Strength, Hope

On top of all the new things in my life, I also decided to help teenagers. Seriously, sometimes I think I've lost my mind. Maybe God wants me to remember what I should be grateful for and when I'm feeling ungrateful or "bored" he lets me make my own decisions and let my life get chaotic and then I'll come running back to Him apologizing for thinking I know best. I know He never leaves, but when He realizes that I'm beginning to think that I know best, He'll let me wreck my own ship before He helps me with my sails again. 

Back to the teenagers. Once a week I'm helping teens deal with the same things I dealt with growing up. Some weeks it's great, some weeks it's nuts, just like a typical teenage life. I know that I'll be grateful for this opportunity sometime later. 

Another thing that I'm working on right now is remember that life isn't always rainbows and butterflies (… it's compromise that moves us alooooong (name that song)). I think life goes through phases, and I know a few friends that believe the same thing. Sometimes we go through rainy days so when the sun comes out we remember how great things are, and when the sun has been out a long time, it rains so we remember where we come from. I've learned this last year that I can be okay when it rains and I can be grateful when the sun shines. Right now, I'm okay and I know it'll be better. 

Puppies

Yes, the title has become pluralized. I must be nuts. Seriously. I. Must. Be. Nuts. We have a new dog named Bronson. I'm sure you know this by now. I am struggling hard with him, which you might know as well. Bronson is different. He has a personality that I have never seen in a dog before. He is so extremely submissive that it drives me crazy. He pees when he's nervous, he doesn't like to look up, he's scared of everything and everyone. If a leaf crunches while we're walking, he won't pee or poop. He's done and is ready to hide inside the house again. I'm not going to lie about it either. I've lost my temper with him several times. Sometimes I do nothing at all and he pees. I refuse to give up yet, it's only been a month since we've had him and I'm not going to just throw in the towel (though I will throw it on the ground to clean up the pee). 

Instead of just hoping and wishing for things to be different, I'm having to make accommodations with what we are working with right now. I cannot get mad at all. Seriously. Cannot get mad or scold him for anything. This, apparently, ruins his confidence and will cause him to submissively urinate. Doesn't that sound fun? If you know who I am, you know I'm an emotional being. I like to be loud when I'm happy and loud when I'm angry, and now I get to learn to not react to his accidents. It's not going to be easy, but I have faith that this is another mission from God. He has given me another lesson to teach me to be humble and to be teachable. I'm not very happy about it, to be perfectly honest, but I'm determined to work on myself and to work on Bronson. 

Love Life

Right now, I never ever see Jose and we barely get to spend any time together. It puts a strain on my heart because I'd like to see the person I live with more than maybe 15 minutes a day while we are transferring between home and work. I'm going to be honest about that, too. It's another strain that we have this second dog and I have this second job. It's not easy, but I'm hoping it will pay off in the end. 

Summary of My Thoughts

A simple summary is this: God is testing me and my faith. He is testing my humility and my willingness. He is testing my patience. He is not doing any of this to be cruel, this I am sure of. He wants me to see what he can do in my life and he want me to realize that I cannot be self-sufficient. He wants me to remember that I must rely on a Power great than myself in order to live a life that is in the path of His will. It's easy for my to forget these things and to rest on my laurels, and when I slip and begin to think that I've got it all taken care of, I'm given reminders regularly that I cannot do it alone. 

August Blog Challenge - Part 2 of 4

Good Monday evening, all! I am continuing my blog post challenge today, as a part 2 of the 4 part series on a little bit about me. You can check out the 1st one HERE.

1. What's in your purse?

Everything! I've got my wallet, my coin purse, lotion (dry hands are gross), my rx sunglasses, a notebook and pen, a little zipper pouch I made containing makeup and other girly things like perfume and safety pins, as well as lipstick, gum, my phone, car keys, and usually a few crumpled up grocery lists.

2. What's your best physical feature?

Good question! I would have to say that I really appreciate my facial structure and my waistline. No particular reasons, except I find them to be the best physical aspects I have. Though I am sure other people would note other favorite features. I'm also quite fond of my height!

Baking a cheesecake!

Chauncey

Gryffindor all the way!

3. List 15 of your favorite things.

1) Harry Potter 2) Lord of the Rings 3) books 4) pugs 5) reading 6) baking 7) eating 8) fashion 9) my jelli bean necklace 10) blue jeans that fit 11) tiffany blue and lavender 12) Jose 13) spending quality time with friends 14) stripes and polka dots and red plaid flannel 15) brown leather 16) Pinterest 17) Chauncey 18) fellowship 19) recently: lipstick 20) photography

4. What's inside your fridge?

A ton of juice and water, some leafy greens, guacamole and salsa, turkey bacon, eggs, cheese, tomatoes, and lots of condiments.

5. Timeline of your day.

9:30 crawled out of bed, washed face, walked the dog, made breakfast for the boyfriend and myself.
10:30 knitted all morning
2:00 ran to the mall and the grocery store
5:15 started blogging!

Rio de Janeiro

6. What's at the top of your bucket list?

Travel to Europe and South America.

My daddy and I at graduation!

7. What is your most proud moment?

Graduating college!

8. What do you collect?

Thimbles! Also unofficially, I like Pug-related items, but as I'm super picky about which ones I buy, I wouldn't consider it a collection. Though I do have a pug tattoo...

9. A difficult time in your life.

There have been many periods of time where I found myself to be struggling in a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. One time in particular, though I cannot pinpoint it to one specific reason, is the year my mom and step-dad got divorced. There were two sides to me at that time. Relief that my mom was strong enough and brave enough to finally put her foot down and get her kids and herself to safety; but another side of me was grief-stricken that I would no longer have a home with a father and mother and siblings. This period of time was horrific, so much arguing between my mom and step-dad, arguing between my mom and us kids, arguing between me and my siblings. I remember feeling very frustrated and lost. I thought that when they finally got divorced, there would be peace in our home. There was so much trauma, however, that there wasn't going to be peace for a really long time. I struggled in school because my mind was so busy thinking about my home, I moved from home and felt like I had abandoned my siblings and mom, my grades declined, my health declined, I stopped talking to people, I had no feeling of hope or happiness, and I just became a very sad and lost little girl at 19 years old.

Luckily, I've managed to successfully pull out of that time with a lot of help from friends. I don't live with my mom and siblings anymore, and I hope my siblings aren't resentful towards me for leaving. The only way I can do good today and love my mom and brother and sister unconditionally, and hope that their journey in life is good. My mom and I have a very close relationship today, and we text and call each other often, which I am truly grateful for.

Cookies I made at work! So many!

10. Your 10 favorite foods.

1) Mexican food 2) Pizza 3) White gravy with fried chicken or buttermilk biscuits (or both) 4) Pasta 5) Sushi 6) Thai Pineapple Curry 7) Cheese in general 8) Bread in general 9) Cookies 10) Pie

Thunder Up!

11. The best thing to happen this year.

Getting a job at a bakery! Words cannot describe how much I love working at a bakery. It is my dream job, and I'm so grateful this situation has landed in my open arms. There were multiple occasions before this year where I had been offered to work at other bakeries. For multiple reasons, I never took on any other job at a bakery. I know God had a plan all along, and I'm glad I didn't force my will into making it what I wanted to be. I've heard it many times, and I truly believe this saying: If I would've gotten everything I wanted, I would have seriously sold myself short.

12. Your dream job.

See the answer to number 11! I'm doing it!