Anxiety sucks.
It really, really sucks.
Let me share with you my experience with anxiety.
Unless you have talked with me one on one about it, you would probably never know I have it. I've never been to the doctor and diagnosed, I've never been on medication for it, and I plan to work through what I deal with using pen, paper, and help from others. That doesn't mean all people can deal with it like I do, and I can't deal with it like others do, this is just my experience.
I'm sure if I look back and write about it, I could see the anxiety starting to simmer in middle school when we moved to Oklahoma. I'm not saying moving is the blame, because I'm sure it would've still existed had we stayed in Texas. It just made it worse more quickly.
Back in middle school and high school, my anxiety was triggered by feeling like I was stuck in the environment I grew up in and that I would stay stuck. I was afraid I could never escape the grips of my stepdad and have freedom and happiness. I worried about it, had nightmares, and constantly feared that I would have to deal with it forever. Was it rational? No. Was it a real feeling? Absolutely.
In college, I feared that I would never have enough money and that I would end up on the streets because I couldn't afford to live and go to school. I feared failure. That I wouldn't ever be able to have a stable career and not have to worry about which bill to pay that month. I feared that I would always be in relationships where they only used me and never loved me. I feared I was never good enough. Was it rational? No. Was it a real feeling? Absolutely.
Today I deal with anxiety about one inevitable event. I'm going to finally drop this weight off of my chest. I am absolutely terrified about death. I hate it. I hate talking about death, I hate thinking about it, watching it in movies, seeing it on Facebook. I can't stand it. It's a huge trigger for me.
Do I know why? Sure. I have little trust in the process of life. I want to do the things I want to do and not run out of time. I want to experience everything. Sometimes I wish I could go back and relive my childhood so it turns out better with the knowledge I have now. Sometimes I wish I could remove my attachments to people and run away forever so I don't have to deal with the heart break and grief of losing loved ones. Is it rational? No. Is it a real feeling? Absolutely.
I can't get rid of my anxiety. I've tried. Over and over and over. Meditating about it. Determinedly focusing and reminding myself that it's inevitable. Not thinking about it. Avoiding talking about it.
I've come to the point where I feel beat up and broken enough to do something different. I want to talk about my anxiety over the one thing I have absolutely no control over. So there you have it: I am terrified of death.
This fear can wind its way through everything. It can make me irritable, restless, and discontent. I feel stuck at a dead end, not knowing what I should do next. I want to run away and start over. I become unfocused and distracted.
Here's the thing I see when I look back on those moments of fear. I've gotten through it. I've been able to overcome it and move on. I've gotten stronger. I escaped the crappy childhood. I have financial stability. I have a relationship that is perfect for me. I'm not crazy enough to think I'll avoid death, but I know that I can overcome this anxiety, too.
It all boils down to one word: faith. I don't have it at the moment. I've slowly lost it in the last two years and I don't know why or where. I'm hoping it will return once more and my anxiety, though it won't go away, will lessen. I am looking forward to the day I can lay my head down at night and not have the fear seep into my heart. I am looking forward to the day where I can sit there and realize that I haven't had an anxiety attack or a moment of overwhelming fear hit me in "x" amount of days or even weeks! I will keep my head up and know that I will one day see a better day, but until then I'm going to trudge this path.
*Note*
I would also like to post on here three things. Usually when I post something more serious, people lose their minds thinking that I'm in danger and having suicidal thoughts and wanting to off myself and am manic depressive, etc.
1) I am NOT having suicidal thoughts. I am sharing my personal experience with anxiety and fear so others don't have to feel so isolated in their own anxiety and fear. I have gotten more relief than I can express when someone opens up to me about a fear they have that I have, too. Anxiety does not always equal suicide. Oddly enough, I think that route would defeat the reason of the anxiety I'm dealing with right now, no?
2) I am NOT interested in therapy or counseling I do not want people sending me info for professional help. I have a very specific way of dealing with my anxiety that works, even if it takes time. I don't want to medicate my feelings away, nor do I want to "talk it out" with someone who gets paid to listen to my problems. If counseling works for you, great. It does not work for me.
3) When you're dealing with someone who struggles with anxiety, stop effing telling them "You'll be alright," or "It's going to be okay," or "Stop worrying about it." That sh*t doesn't help. If I wanted to stop worrying about it, don't you think I would've stopped already? Perhaps try, "I'm so sorry you're struggling with that," or "If you need to talk, I'm here," or just hug them.
Monday, August 29, 2016
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty
Today I want to talk about body confidence.
Recently, I've had some experiences that have made me become even more aware of how people perceive themselves. Someone I loved was just tearing themselves apart; calling their OWN SELF fat, ugly, and frumpy. Another teen I know was talking about how gross her pooch was. Hearing people say these things about their own body made me so terribly sad. I want to do something different and take action, even if it just begins with me.
The media is a cruel tool to convince women that they aren't perfect the way they are. We see commercials telling us that this or that will make our skin flawless, the cellulite go away, our hair to be lighter or straighter or curlier. We see TV shows and celebrities that are constantly gossiped about for not having a "perfect" body. Advertisements show severely photoshopped women and say that they are naturally flawless. It took me a long time (well after my early teenage years) to see that the things I was seeing on TV were fake and unrealistic. It took much more time to learn to love the body I have but it has given me so much confidence and happiness in life.
This project might seem arrogant, but I think it's vital to love ourselves. I can't rely on someone or something to make me feel beautiful or successful, I can only rely on myself. If I try to rely on someone to make me feel beautiful or successful, I will be constantly filled with disappointment because not one person or thing can give that to me. This post is to help me see the good physical things about myself and to encourage you to do the same.
Here are 10 physical things about myself that make me feel beautiful without anyone having to tell me so:
1. That jawline, though. Seriously, I have a pretty chiseled jaw line. Sometimes it can lend to more manly features, but for me, I think it's a good feature to have and I love it. It works well with my face shape.
2. My crooked smile. If you haven't noticed, I do have a crooked smile. I was hit in the face with a seesaw when I was little and it damaged the nerves in my lip. I've learned to control my smile so I don't show the nerve damage as much, but I have also grown to like it.
3. The silliest facial expressions. Seriously, my face can make some crazy expressions. Sometimes I look like Beeker from the muppets, I can wrinkle my face up, I can smile like a crazy loon. I also love making crazy facial expressions and my face just lends me the talent.
4. Cheese! One thing I have noticed over the past few years is that I can smile and it feels natural. Does that sound crazy? Maybe so, but I can see it in photos that even underneath the posed smile, the happiness seeps through. It could be from the confidence I have been gaining over the past few years or that I am truly happy these days, regardless it's nice to see.
5. How's the weather up there? If you haven't noticed, I am tall. 5'9" last time I checked. I love being tall and I love wearing heels. There's just something empowering about being tall!
6. Fashion do's. I have learned over the years how to dress the body I have. I am tall, with a pear shaped body. I know what looks good on my body and I know what accents the good parts and how I can camouflage the areas I don't want to show off. Knowing what to wear and what looks good helps boost my confidence and in the end that radiates from my person.
7. Dat booty. Seriously though, I have a big butt. I've learned to embrace it instead of hating it. There's not enough squat sets that I can do to make my butt smaller and honestly, why would I? Extra cushion and I fill out a pair of jeans!
8. Lushus hair! My hair is wonderful. I love my hair. It's healthy and thick and currently half pink. I can hold a bun or a top knot, I can go several days without washing it, and any hair dresser I've ever been to just can't believe how healthy and thick my hair is.
9. Makeup or nah? I love wearing makeup and I'm slowly learning how to do it well. Even though I love wearing it, I've also learned to love myself with out it. It's important to love the body you're in because that's the one you have forever. I may occasionally have breakouts or circles under my eyes, but I just take care of my skin the best that I can.
10. Curve ball. A huge thing I have to remember is that everyone is human and we all have flaws. I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else. While I may look at someone and think, "Wow, they look so perfect and thin and flawless!" I'm sure they look at themselves in the mirror and can find only the things they hate. I don't want to look in the mirror and only see disapproval. I want to love myself and my body, so that's what I'm going to do.
So I'm turning this project over to you. I want you to find 10 physical things you love about yourself. If you have more, great! You can comment on this post or just post it on your Facebook and tag me or email me privately. All I want is for you to find something you love about yourself.
Recently, I've had some experiences that have made me become even more aware of how people perceive themselves. Someone I loved was just tearing themselves apart; calling their OWN SELF fat, ugly, and frumpy. Another teen I know was talking about how gross her pooch was. Hearing people say these things about their own body made me so terribly sad. I want to do something different and take action, even if it just begins with me.
The media is a cruel tool to convince women that they aren't perfect the way they are. We see commercials telling us that this or that will make our skin flawless, the cellulite go away, our hair to be lighter or straighter or curlier. We see TV shows and celebrities that are constantly gossiped about for not having a "perfect" body. Advertisements show severely photoshopped women and say that they are naturally flawless. It took me a long time (well after my early teenage years) to see that the things I was seeing on TV were fake and unrealistic. It took much more time to learn to love the body I have but it has given me so much confidence and happiness in life.
This project might seem arrogant, but I think it's vital to love ourselves. I can't rely on someone or something to make me feel beautiful or successful, I can only rely on myself. If I try to rely on someone to make me feel beautiful or successful, I will be constantly filled with disappointment because not one person or thing can give that to me. This post is to help me see the good physical things about myself and to encourage you to do the same.
Here are 10 physical things about myself that make me feel beautiful without anyone having to tell me so:
1. That jawline, though. Seriously, I have a pretty chiseled jaw line. Sometimes it can lend to more manly features, but for me, I think it's a good feature to have and I love it. It works well with my face shape.
2. My crooked smile. If you haven't noticed, I do have a crooked smile. I was hit in the face with a seesaw when I was little and it damaged the nerves in my lip. I've learned to control my smile so I don't show the nerve damage as much, but I have also grown to like it.
3. The silliest facial expressions. Seriously, my face can make some crazy expressions. Sometimes I look like Beeker from the muppets, I can wrinkle my face up, I can smile like a crazy loon. I also love making crazy facial expressions and my face just lends me the talent.
4. Cheese! One thing I have noticed over the past few years is that I can smile and it feels natural. Does that sound crazy? Maybe so, but I can see it in photos that even underneath the posed smile, the happiness seeps through. It could be from the confidence I have been gaining over the past few years or that I am truly happy these days, regardless it's nice to see.
5. How's the weather up there? If you haven't noticed, I am tall. 5'9" last time I checked. I love being tall and I love wearing heels. There's just something empowering about being tall!
6. Fashion do's. I have learned over the years how to dress the body I have. I am tall, with a pear shaped body. I know what looks good on my body and I know what accents the good parts and how I can camouflage the areas I don't want to show off. Knowing what to wear and what looks good helps boost my confidence and in the end that radiates from my person.
7. Dat booty. Seriously though, I have a big butt. I've learned to embrace it instead of hating it. There's not enough squat sets that I can do to make my butt smaller and honestly, why would I? Extra cushion and I fill out a pair of jeans!
8. Lushus hair! My hair is wonderful. I love my hair. It's healthy and thick and currently half pink. I can hold a bun or a top knot, I can go several days without washing it, and any hair dresser I've ever been to just can't believe how healthy and thick my hair is.
9. Makeup or nah? I love wearing makeup and I'm slowly learning how to do it well. Even though I love wearing it, I've also learned to love myself with out it. It's important to love the body you're in because that's the one you have forever. I may occasionally have breakouts or circles under my eyes, but I just take care of my skin the best that I can.
10. Curve ball. A huge thing I have to remember is that everyone is human and we all have flaws. I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else. While I may look at someone and think, "Wow, they look so perfect and thin and flawless!" I'm sure they look at themselves in the mirror and can find only the things they hate. I don't want to look in the mirror and only see disapproval. I want to love myself and my body, so that's what I'm going to do.
So I'm turning this project over to you. I want you to find 10 physical things you love about yourself. If you have more, great! You can comment on this post or just post it on your Facebook and tag me or email me privately. All I want is for you to find something you love about yourself.
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