Living with Anxiety

Anxiety sucks.

It really, really sucks.

Let me share with you my experience with anxiety.

Unless you have talked with me one on one about it, you would probably never know I have it. I've never been to the doctor and diagnosed, I've never been on medication for it, and I plan to work through what I deal with using pen, paper, and help from others. That doesn't mean all people can deal with it like I do, and I can't deal with it like others do, this is just my experience.

I'm sure if I look back and write about it, I could see the anxiety starting to simmer in middle school when we moved to Oklahoma. I'm not saying moving is the blame, because I'm sure it would've still existed had we stayed in Texas. It just made it worse more quickly.

Back in middle school and high school, my anxiety was triggered by feeling like I was stuck in the environment I grew up in and that I would stay stuck. I was afraid I could never escape the grips of my stepdad and have freedom and happiness. I worried about it, had nightmares, and constantly feared that I would have to deal with it forever. Was it rational? No. Was it a real feeling? Absolutely.

In college, I feared that I would never have enough money and that I would end up on the streets because I couldn't afford to live and go to school. I feared failure. That I wouldn't ever be able to have a stable career and not have to worry about which bill to pay that month. I feared that I would always be in relationships where they only used me and never loved me. I feared I was never good enough. Was it rational? No. Was it a real feeling? Absolutely.

Today I deal with anxiety about one inevitable event. I'm going to finally drop this weight off of my chest. I am absolutely terrified about death. I hate it. I hate talking about death, I hate thinking about it, watching it in movies, seeing it on Facebook. I can't stand it. It's a huge trigger for me.

Do I know why? Sure. I have little trust in the process of life. I want to do the things I want to do and not run out of time. I want to experience everything. Sometimes I wish I could go back and relive my childhood so it turns out better with the knowledge I have now. Sometimes I wish I could remove my attachments to people and run away forever so I don't have to deal with the heart break and grief of losing loved ones. Is it rational? No. Is it a real feeling? Absolutely.

I can't get rid of my anxiety. I've tried. Over and over and over. Meditating about it. Determinedly focusing and reminding myself that it's inevitable. Not thinking about it. Avoiding talking about it.

I've come to the point where I feel beat up and broken enough to do something different. I want to talk about my anxiety over the one thing I have absolutely no control over. So there you have it: I am terrified of death.

This fear can wind its way through everything. It can make me irritable, restless, and discontent. I feel stuck at a dead end, not knowing what I should do next. I want to run away and start over. I become unfocused and distracted.

Here's the thing I see when I look back on those moments of fear. I've gotten through it. I've been able to overcome it and move on. I've gotten stronger. I escaped the crappy childhood. I have financial stability. I have a relationship that is perfect for me. I'm not crazy enough to think I'll avoid death, but I know that I can overcome this anxiety, too.

It all boils down to one word: faith. I don't have it at the moment. I've slowly lost it in the last two years and I don't know why or where. I'm hoping it will return once more and my anxiety, though it won't go away, will lessen. I am looking forward to the day I can lay my head down at night and not have the fear seep into my heart. I am looking forward to the day where I can sit there and realize that I haven't had an anxiety attack or a moment of overwhelming fear hit me in "x" amount of days or even weeks!  I will keep my head up and know that I will one day see a better day, but until then I'm going to trudge this path.

*Note*
I would also like to post on here three things. Usually when I post something more serious, people lose their minds thinking that I'm in danger and having suicidal thoughts and wanting to off myself and am manic depressive, etc. 

1) I am NOT having suicidal thoughts. I am sharing my personal experience with anxiety and fear so others don't have to feel so isolated in their own anxiety and fear. I have gotten more relief than I can express when someone opens up to me about a fear they have that I have, too. Anxiety does not always equal suicide. Oddly enough, I think that route would defeat the reason of the anxiety I'm dealing with right now, no?

2) I am NOT interested in therapy or counseling  I do not want people sending me info for professional help. I have a very specific way of dealing with my anxiety that works, even if it takes time. I don't want to medicate my feelings away, nor do I want to "talk it out" with someone who gets paid to listen to my problems. If counseling works for you, great. It does not work for me. 

3) When you're dealing with someone who struggles with anxiety, stop effing telling them "You'll be alright," or "It's going to be okay," or "Stop worrying about it." That sh*t doesn't help. If I wanted to stop worrying about it, don't you think I would've stopped already? Perhaps try, "I'm so sorry you're struggling with that," or "If you need to talk, I'm here," or just hug them.