Gratitude

As I'm sitting here patiently waiting for the magazine to upload via FTP, I can't help but think of today and the last few days, the last few weeks, and the last few months.

This summer has been a weird one. I'm not even sure I can wrap my brain around the events of this summer, but they are all very out-of-the-element for me.

I realized today, as I was trudging through one of the longest days of my life (it seemed), that I am really greatful for where I am today.

There are always things I'm grateful for, and most of the time I don't think about them. But today I felt the gratitude coming in on me in waves. Maybe it's my pure exhaustion, my anxiety, my whatever. I am super sensitive to my emotions today and wanted to take the time to write about it. 

I got an email from my trust fund (a.k.a. my grandfather who helped me with college) saying that they would pay off the rest of my $600+ bursar bill. I'm so grateful I have grandparents who care about my future and want me to be successful.

I have a car that runs, and I don't have to make payments on it, my insurance is cheap and I get great mileage. Yes, this seems petty, but I am grateful I have these opportunities that some people just don't get.

I'm grateful I am financially stable (as long as I don't go on shopping sprees). I haven't been financially stable ever. I have a job that I work full time and I get paid well. I can live comfortably with a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my stomach. I don't have to live in financial fear.

Life is not as bad as it seems. In all reality, if I compared my problems to those of some of the people around me, I am living the grand ol' life. I have everything I need and that is all that matters. I have a boyfriend who loves me, I have friends who are there for me when I need them, and I never have to face anything alone.

There are circumstances around me that have made me realize how grateful I should be. I can get so caught up in the whirlwind of life that I can easily take things for granted, such as life. I am not living on my time, I am living on God's time. I just want to be a good person and do good things and be content with where I am.

So that is my thought for the day. I am grateful I'm where my feet are. 

Bonus Day 31 - 30 Day Challenge

A vivid memory.

Hmm... I have several vivid memories. To me, those are the turning points in my life, the moments when I know I need to change or when I realize I have changed. Sometimes they are moments of loss or grief. Other times they are of pure joy. Here are two that will always stick out in my head:

1. When I knew a new chapter in my life was about to begin. 
This was three years ago. I had been thinking recently around this time that I needed change in my life and it wouldn't happen until I had the strength to break up with my horrible boyfriend. It was a terrible relationship and I was too scared to end it. I was a nanny/babysitter for a family with three kids and I was sitting out on the porch watching them play outside. I got a phone call while I was out on that porch that day that I couldn't say was anything less than a miracle. Our relationship was finally over and I was so so so relieved. I remember just thinking that God had done something for me that I couldn't have done for myself and I am forever grateful for that day and that moment.

2. When I fell in love with Jose. 
I remember this like it was yesterday. We had been dating a little over a month and were at OU/TX sitting on the gigantic ferris wheel at the Texas State Fair. He leaned over and kissed me and it was just so adorable and sincere that I knew right then we would be together for a long time. Oddly and funnily enough, we didn't drop the L-bomb until January. Hah!

Day 30 - 30 Day Challenge

React to this term: Letting Go.

This is one of my favorite sayings!

I think one of my latest blog posts was exactly about this, but I'd love to talk more about what it means to me.

I am the kind of person who likes to hold on to things. I like things I'm used to, and I don't like things I'm not used to. It's simple. I like to be comfortable and content with where I am, who I am, who I'm with and what I'm doing.

My Higher Power, however, wants me to keep changing. He doesn't want me to be complacent or stagnant, He wants me to grow and become a better person every day.

And to be honest, there are days when I get frustrated and want to stay exactly where I am.

On days (or weeks or months, and in some cases almost years) when I don't want to do anything right I just want to be where I am and not have to worry about change, I have to let go.

I have to let go of my expectations, my will, my ways of thinking, my ideas, my attitude, my fears, my worries, my everything. Obviously what I'm doing is not helping and my actions are not changing what's around me.

One prime example in my life was just last January to August. Everything around me was changing. I was a junior on my way to being a senior in college. My boyfriend had changed. He quit smoking, he quit partying, he quit eating unhealthy and he started exercising. It was a strange thing to see my boyfriend of almost two years change so drastically and it really threw me off. Then it seemed like school was changing. It was getting over-dramatic and obnoxious and I started to hate school. I started to not enjoy hanging out with people anymore, they were driving me crazy and I couldn't stand listening to their drama. During this time my mom moved to Texas, I was struggling finding a stable job, it was getting closer and closer to that point where I would have to grow up and I grew scared. I had been so comfortable going to school the last 20 years that I didn't know if I could make it out there. All of this was going on around me and I was stuck. I didn't know what to do and I didn't like it.

Finally, after EIGHT of the LONGEST MONTHS OF MY LIFE, I surrendered. I had to let go or I wouldn't be able to take it any more. I finally prayed to God to help me and let go of all my fears, expectations and old actions. It is amazing what God can do, because that's exactly what happened.

This last year (since August) has been amazing. It was one of the most enjoyable school years I had, I was able to accept my boyfriend for who he is, even if it was different than what I knew. I can get on my knees and pray to my God to remove my expectations and attitude so I can be a better person. I have less fear today about my future and know that my Higher Power will help me as long as I stay near him.

So that's what letting go means to me.

Being able to give up what's comfortable, even if I'm miserable, so I can grow and learn and in the end be happy, joyous and free. 

Day 29 - 30 Day Challenge

Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories. Use Grooveshark or YouTube to include them in the post.

1. Blue October - Into the Ocean

This song literally saved my life when I was younger (late teens). I was really struggling back then, and I remember discovering them, of all places, while I was working at JCPenney. I remember thinking how heartbreaking and how real this song seemed to me, and I continued to listen to Blue October for years. (On my CD it's been listened to probably 100+ times)

 

2. Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes - Home

This song is the song of Jose's and my relationship. Gross, right? I love this song, always have and probably always will. It's endearing, it's sweet and it feels true in my heart. (On iTunes, it's been listened to 110x)

3.  John McLaughlin - So Close

This one is interesting. I love the song and I heard it first while watching Enchanted. It's such a sweet sweet song, and I still haven't figured out if it's about being together forever, or not being able to be together forever.... regardless, I still love it. (On iTunes, it's been listened to 80x)

4. My Chemical Romance - Helena

Let's bring out the emo shall we? I looooooved MCR so so so much in high school. It's still embedded in my brain and I'm pretty sure I remember all the lyrics to every song they ever made. So there's that. I used to draw pictures of MCR in my notebooks and wear red and black because it was obviously cool. I also had crushes on guys who looked like they could easily be a band member. I was so cool. (On my CD it was played probably a 1,000,000+ times)

5.  Landon Pigg - Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop

One more squishy one. This one is really sweet. I just really like it and the fact that it talks about coffee... Okay it only says this twice, but still. (On iTunes, it's been listened to 91x)

 

Day 28 - 30 Day Challenge

Only pictures.

Our first official outing as a couple.

Goofy in Mexico!

I love Harry Potter. ϟ

My closest friends!

Modeling

Modeling

OU/TX

Feeding my favorite safari animal!

Modeling!

Professional

Logo

I found Waldo!

My nickname!

Day 27 - 30 Day Challenge

A letter to your readers.

Dear Readers,

Life is confusing. There are days when I know exactly what I want to do with all aspects of my life and there are days when I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I don't like it.

I have to really trust in God that He is showing me the way and I have to take faith in myself to know which way He really wants me to go. It's hard to know what is God's will when there are so many things pulling me in all different directions.

I'm trying really hard to be honest with myself and I really don't like what I'm seeing. I'm confused and frustrated and I can't really do anything about it except pray and ask for guidance.

Letting go and letting God take over is something I'm learning to do and it has really grown on me. I really like following the path He is giving me, even when it's difficult and I feel like I'm always being challenged to do the right thing.

As a matter of fact, these last few months I think has been a test of God to see what I decide to do with my life. He is giving me trials and I am having to trust His choices in what's best for me.

I never thought I'd feel this much importance in a Higher Power. I always had bad experiences with Him in the past and didn't feel comfortable trusting in someone who "made life difficult." But what I've learned lately is that my Higher Power knows my strengths and weaknesses and he wants me to be a better person. He gives me challenges and tests to give me chances to grow and learn. Sometimes I don't like them but after it's all over I am extremely grateful for what He has put in front of me.

So, dear readers, that is my letter to you. A little update on my inner workings, if you will.

Sincerely, Kelli

Day 26 - 30 Day Challenge

Something you read online. Leave a link and discuss, if you'd like.

Here's What it Really Takes to Start Your Own Bakery

Here it is.

Here is what I've been thinking about.

Since I've visited San Francisco and have come to the realization that I would hate living somewhere like that, I've seriously considered the bakery business.

It won't be any time soon.

Hell, I don't even know if it will happen.

But I want to look into this market and see what I might be able to do.

My thought is that in Norman there aren't many actual dessert shops. We have Crimson & Whipped Cream on Campus Corner... then we have 8 cupcake shops floating around everywhere... and we have Unique Confections which sells awesome truffles and other chocolate confections.

But what about legitimate desserts? Like cake? Or pie? Maybe even desserts that your parents used to make years ago? Nothing like that exists in Norman!

Now if I saw a shop that sold cake and pie by the slice I would be sold. As a matter of fact, I have been sold before... In other states.

I think the time has come that someone start looking a niche bakery in Norman... and I think that someone should be me!

Day 25 - 30 Day Challenge

Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad).

I've had a lot of people tell me things that I'll never forget, but the one thing that I will never forget is the support and encouragement I got from a group of friends during the most difficult times of my life. They would give me the confidence and love that I didn't know how to give myself and show me that I deserve the best.

Recently I had a friend do the same thing for me. She said, and I quote, "You're a great catch and you deserve the best." There are times in my life that I forget that she's right, that I do deserve the best, and I don't nor should I settle for something just to settle.

It was a great reminder to me that I shouldn't settle because it's comfortable, I should have the best because I deserve it. I am an awesome person, I'm smart, intelligent, fun, beautiful, strong, and independent, and I shouldn't let anything stop me or make/keep me unhappy.

So my new goal is to be more confident in my choices and know what I deserve and what I don't deserve. Here here!

Day 23 + 24 - 30 Day Challenge

Things you've learned that school won't teach you.

How to do taxes.
How to do the laundry.
How to pay bills in a timely manner.

I enjoyed school when I was growing up. I didn't enjoy the people or the experience so much as the knowledge I gained while I was there. I always thought I was a smart kid, always got straight As, always did well in classes... until I got to college.

College was very difficult for me. I struggled with time management, I struggled with what I thought was basic comprehension for most people. I struggled with working a job and going to school. I really had a difficult time.

But the one thing I realized while I was nearing the end of my last semester was that while everything seemed difficult at the time it was taking place, I learned so much during those experiences that I wouldn't change it for the world.

School itself didn't teach me an awful lot, but I taught myself more than I ever could have imagined.

And what's great about today is that I can still learn! I still have a desire to learn.

But not in school.

School (public school, maybe just Norman Public Schools in general) didn't teach me how to be a good person. It didn't teach me how to be social. It didn't teach me how to think critically or ask my own questions. Basically all school taught me is that there is one right answer for every one problem there is. That's really just not true!

I wish I had had more classes that taught me how to problem solve on my own. How to figure out solutions that weren't typical. Maybe a class that taught me how to understand what an author was trying to say when he wrote that novel. Maybe a course on doing an exercise start to finish the best way possible. I feel like school made us into cookie cutters, but I always knew I wasn't the same shape.

I'm grateful I break the mold. I will always be grateful that while I did learn in school, I am able to still have creative freedom and expression that some other students didn't get.

So school didn't teach me to be me, I did that myself.


Your top 3 worst traits.

1. Self-righteousness
I am so incredibly self-righteous sometimes that I drive myself nuts. I get into these positions where I think I'm better than someone just because I'm not doing the same thing at the same moment. However I've actually done the exact same thing before and I've learned from my mistakes and the person I'm seeing going through the same thing is making the same mistake instead of doing something different. Ridiculous!

2. Being dramatic in my head
While most people don't get to see this (although a few do), I hate hate hate where my head can go in less than 3 seconds. I could've gotten a phone call from an upset client and I've already decided that I'll be living in a van down by the river because I'll be jobless in the next day. I mean... what.

3. Lack of self-esteem
There are many days that I wish I had more self-esteem. Sometimes I feel like a fourteen year old in a grown woman's body with the self-esteem I have. There are also days when I feel strong, confident, and beautiful. I'm working on being more strong and confident than self-conscious. That's definitely a work in progress. :] 

Day 22 - 30 Day Challenge

Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel. (A pet peeve, a current event, a controversial topic, something your husband or roommate or neighbor or boss does that really ticks you off)

You know... I really do this enough already...

I guess I can think of something, but I've been trying lately to not be so negative...

A rant... A rant about something... Anything?... Hmm...

Sometimes I really wish people had more umph in their lives. I wish people had more of a will to do things. I wish people got off their lazy butts and did something instead of expecting opportunities to come to them. I've seen many people just sit around and complain about how unfair life is and how they never got this or was able to do that, etc. etc. but when you get down to the nitty gritty, they didn't make any effort to get anything done at all.

I know that right now is a time for many people around me to get jobs or start looking at grad school or applying out of state or moving or making a big commitment. That's pretty scary, I know, because I'm doing the same thing. But I put a lot of effort into working hard and trying to get someone without the help of other people. I didn't get help from my parents, I got a job to pay all my bills. I didn't depend on anyone to do my job for me, I did it all on my own.

But I take pride in knowing I can be independent and responsible at such a young age. Maybe other people don't care about that as much.

I've learned that although not everyone is driven about something in their lives, that's what sets people apart. I can still love to do what I was meant to do and work hard at it. I can let other people and their desires (or lack of) live the way they want to. So there's that.

Day 21 - 30 Day Challenge

A list of links to your favorites posts in your archives.

Well......

I must admit that I never like my posts and a majority of them are deleted after I write them and embarrass myself with my own self righteous and selfish self centered holier than thou ways of thinking.

So.....

My favorite links would have to be:

Day 9 - http://marlaiscancer.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-9-30-day-challenge.html

Day 15 - http://marlaiscancer.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-15-30-day-challenge.html

Day 17 - http://marlaiscancer.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-17-30-day-challenge.html

Day 20 - 30 Day Challenge

Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

Hmmmm.

I struggle with a lot of things. Like fitting into too tight of pants, or trying on shoes too small, or not being able to eat all of my meal... Life is hard.

But in all reality, I feel like my struggles are normal. You can say you're not struggling with anything, but I wouldn't believe it in a moment. 

The great thing is that I have a choice. I can choose to let me life become laden down with 'struggles' and be unhappy or miserable or caught up in a bunch of nonsense.... Or I can choose to not let these things bother me. 

For example: I'm really struggling with having to accept the fact that I'm in Oklahoma for a while. Some of you may know that I would rather be elsewhere doing awesome design things that I'm just not capable of doing nor have the opportunity to do while I'm in Oklahoma. It's something that I was not thrilled about when we made the decision to stay for a while. 

So the last few months have been interesting. I've gotten a job in Norman, we have found a new place to live, we are getting a dog, and we are really settling in for good. I've realized that while I'm doing this, and trying to stay positive about the opportunities I DO have (getting a job right out of college, having the financial stability I've needed and wanted for a while, getting a cute puppy), I've been feeling resentful that I'm not getting the opportunities I want. 

This is so selfish of me, and I KNOW it, but I am still, deep down, kind of sad that I am not living in a big city doing awesome design things. 

HOWEVER, this trip to San Francisco has opened my eyes big time...

Drumroll please....

I don't think I would actually enjoy living in a huge city like San Fancisco. Maybe Dallas, yes, but somewhere like SF, definitely not.

So this trip has been something I think I needed. To show me that even though I think I want to go big and live big, I really would rather be content and happy in a small town with all of my closest friends. 

And even though I'll be here (in Norman) a while, I still want to maybe go to grad school and get my Master's and experience the world. Who knows, maybe I'll actually get my dream job if I do that! 

So even though I have struggles, I try not to let them get me down. I don't want to live an unhappy life because my expectations (even of myself) are too high.