I'm sure you guys don't sit on the edge of your seat waiting for me to post a blog update about my life, but I always like to keep the friends and family that care updated on some of the "bigger" things in life.
With that being said, I've enjoyed sticking to my blog format of the handful of categories I write about with a selection of photos thrown in. This post will be a little bit about the past several months and I will update with another blog post about my New Year's Resolutions after Christmas!
Work
I have a few reasons from transitioning back into design and leaving the baking world behind. My number one reason was finances. Honestly, I couldn't afford to work at a bakery any more. I was barely keeping up with my bills and the fact that I've had to invest WAY too much money into my car the last several months has caused some serious financial distress. Needless to say, I had to get a job that I could make a living with. Two, working "my dream job" was causing health issues. I was constantly tired from waking up early or not getting enough sleep, I was pulling muscles left and right, I developed tendonitis in my hands, and my varicose veins were starting to look not so good. On top of these to problems, I was becoming depressed for a multitude of reasons that I won't get into, and all of these things combined was making my dream job become a nightmare. It was no longer worth it to expend so much energy while creating a deficit in my life.
My new job has been interesting! My work environment is not as intense as I expected (though we are coming up on the holidays, so I assume it might pick back up a little come spring). I am enjoying relaxing and not stressing about intense deadlines on a regular basis. My coworkers seem really nice, but the great thing is that I have my own office and I spend most of my time working in peace and quiet! I get to go home for lunch (hello money saver!!!) and see my pup and possibly Jose. Overall it seems like I'm going to do just fine here. I'm excited to see what projects I get to do!
Personal
While contemplating writing this blog, I had to stop to think about my personal life. I have been so busy the last two weeks that I haven't thought about it too much. I've spent the last few months struggling with an ongoing problem I have, which is learning to balance life and accept changes. I always get frustrated when things around me change, especially when I don't want them to. Once again, I've caught myself not understanding why I'm irritable, restless, and discontent when people aren't wanting to hang out, are too busy to talk, are (seemingly) ignoring my texts, etc. Why can't I just have the same friends for longer than a couple of years? Is this some kind of sign I'm not getting yet? Am I doing something wrong? Or is that just how life is? Seriously. If you're reading this and can relate or tell me why, please leave a comment.
On the other hand, I've been feeling a lot more introverted lately. I really don't want to talk to anyone, I force myself to hang out or go do things when I don't feel like it, and I feel like I've been going nonstop for weeks and weeks and weeks. I'm ready to slow down and relax some. I don't feel like I should just constantly be on the move and never have time to sit and home and be lazy, or just snuggle with my dog in my pjs.
Ironically, this two things are probably related. My lack of friends has me feeling alone and isolated, once again leaving me to not want to do anything ever because who cares. No one. Pity party for 1, your table is ready! Alright, time to move on.
One major thing that happened this year was getting a new job. I had quite a bit of anxiety about getting a new job. I felt despair, fear, uncertainty, lost, angry, confused. I just didn't know what to do. In September, I applied for a job in Dallas. Not many of y'all knew about that. I had so much anxiety about moving to a new place (on top of some other issues I was having that I will not indulge in) but I felt like I was being given a doorway to walk through. So, I applied, had a phone interview, then got invited to the office in Dallas for an in-person interview. I was excited and full of fear. You guys, I don't normally just apply for jobs willy-nilly and think to myself, "Well! If I get the job, I'll just move!" I've become so comfortable with Norman but I knew I needed to make a big change soon. Right when I finally accepted that I might just have to move out of state, I was told I didn't get the job.
Oddly enough, I felt at peace. I truly felt like God had been nudging me quietly, telling me that I needed to trust Him and just do what I felt was the right thing to do, not what I wanted to do. What I wanted was to stop feeling so uncomfortable, but the idea of moving was so uncomfortable that I just felt like that was what I was supposed to do. I don't grow when life is calm and I'm content. I grow when God is teaching me lessons through trial and error.
Needless to say, I didn't get that job. It did, however, give me to determination to keep applying for jobs in the Oklahoma City and Norman area. It wasn't easy. I applied to dozens and dozens of jobs and waited
Experience, Strength, and Hope
I had to come back to this paragraph because I felt like I didn't have anything to share. Who am I kidding? I always have something to say. (Did you think I wasn't aware of that? Oh, I totally am.)
I've had an eye-opening moment. Usually I don't like these moments and I try to ignore them because it means that I'm seeing something that I need to change within myself. Here is what happened:
I was talking with a friend about some issue they were having. It was an issue that had come up, no joke, over 5 years ago. I sat and listened. I empathized. I related. Then I realized. Oh, my, gosh. I do that. I talk about things that bother me that happened forever ago. I find no solution. I just complain. That's all I do. I gossip about the people that
I've noticed this a lot. A LOT. About several different people. Do I really think gossiping about someone is going to make them change? I hope not. Would I change if I heard someone gossiping about me? No, I would be hurt more than anything. I need to stop. I need to quit caring what other people do. If it didn't affect me, who the hell cares? I shouldn't. It's none of my business.
Puppy
As you can see, our family is back to just having one fur baby. In the end, after 6 months of trying and failing, I had to make the decision to find Bronson a new home. It was not an easy thing for us, I was afraid of so many things that could happen because of that decision, but my mental health was deteriorating due to not being able to properly work with Bronson. I had a lot of issues with him being submissive and fearful, urinating in the house, and running away. I didn't want to get a knock on the door saying he'd been hit by a car or him becoming so fearful he would get aggressive with me or even Chauncey. Last time I checked, he was happily living on a farm in the Norman area, his owner a single male (perfect for Bronson, he's not a fan of ladies) with lots of land to run and play on. There may come a day where we look into getting a puppy again, but Jose and I have had serious conversations about what kind of breed and when the best time for that would be, and we are looking into fostering for the local pug rescue to get a feel of having two little dogs again. We'll see where that leads us!
Love Life
5 years later, and Jose and I are still kicking it! I've been doing a lot of reflecting and observing lately and I hope that Jose and I are a good example of a happy healthy relationship. That doesn't mean that we never disagree on things or that we never get frustrated with each other, it just means that we accept each other for who we are and love each other unconditionally. I want what is best for Jose and what is best for myself and I hope that that makes us a better couple. I always admire and respect relationships where each person is an equal. Neither one is less than the other, and that both are respectful to each other.
My goal is to always respect Jose. I know there are times where I feel like I don't get enough attention from him, that he's never home enough, that he doesn't do enough, blah blah blah. There are reasons that I often overlook. When he's not home, he is either at work or at Jiu Jitsu. If he is at work he is making money to pay the bills, to take me out to dinner, making extra money so if something happens and I'm in financial distress he can help me (like my car problems). If he's at the gym, he is pursuing his dream. He's training to fulfill his dream of teaching Jiu Jitsu. Do I really think he should give up his dream to be at home so he can sit on the couch next to me? That's just ridiculous. When I'm complaining because "he doesn't do enough" do I ever consider that he's exhausted from working 12 hour shifts and training part-time? Nope, sure don't. Sometimes I can't believe how selfish I can be. I've been trying really hard to focus on these aspects of Jose, how hard working and determined he is. And you know what? This year, he won Student of the Year at the BJJ gym he attends because of those very reasons. I'm so proud of him for that.
In Conclusion
I've had a weird year. I've learned a lot, I've let go a lot, I've held on a lot. I'm human, I have my moments, but I'm learning and trying my best to just accept things where they are and move on. Sitting around moping and day dreaming isn't going to get me anywhere in life. I need to be active, aware, and present in my life. That's my goal.
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