Compassion, not patronization.

This post might be a little rant-y but I need to get this off my chest. This is something I've been struggling with for a while and there are several reasons. Hopefully you can relate, and if you read something that stands out to you, maybe start doing something different. Here goes:

Let me tell you what I can't stand. Being patronized for being young by older people. It's so rude and disrespectful.

Let me tell you a story, perhaps you'll be able to relate. You're in class and your teacher is explaining a lesson on the white board. There's a word on that board that you don't know what it means. You raise your hand, ask the teacher what it means, and everyone laughs at you, and someone condescendingly answers your question. How do you feel? Embarrassed and angry and upset. Right? Could that have happened differently?

When I was young, there would be times I would go ask my mom or step-dad for help. Or ask them a question that I didn't know the answer to. Seems normal, right? A 4 or 5 year old asking for help or for an answer. What I didn't expect was them just laughing at me and calling me silly or telling me I don't know what I'm talking about or responding in a mocking manner. Do you know what that does to a young child? 

It teaches them two HUGE life lessons:

1) That they are stupid because they don't know the answer.

2) That asking for help will just result in being embarrassed by someone they THOUGHT they could trust and would help them.

Why would I want to ask for help or ask a question ever again? Good question, which I can answer with this: I didn't. From a young age, after being ridiculed enough, I stopped asking. In the future, this would get me into a lot of trouble and make me a very angry person.

These two "life lessons" made me feel like I wasn't respected and wasn't loved by people who should love me. I had teachers do this, friends, family, you name a person, they probably patronized me. How upsetting, to have your confidence and curiosity taken away slowly over time by people who don't even realize what they're doing. That confidence and curiosity slowly turns into resentment and hurt feelings. Why would someone make fun of me when I'm just trying to learn and understand things?

Adults do this to adults, too. It drives me nuts, and I am grateful I'm aware of why it makes me angry.

Here's the deal. We only live once, LITERALLY. When I am going through something for the first time, why do adults not treat me with respect and help me walk through it? Why laugh at me like it's not big deal? It's a BIG FREAKING DEAL. I've never had to deal with this problem/crisis/event. Why not help me understand what's going on? Why not empathize and tell me you've been there? Then, when I experience it, and maybe experience it again, I'll think, "Wow, I've done this before, I can do it again!" instead of being embarrassed for not knowing how to handle it the first time and being laughed and feeling ignorant by people who have dealt with it before.

Let me tell you, I still don't understand why people patronize others. And let me ALSO tell you that I know I'm guilty of it sometimes. Is it a pissing contest for who's been through the most? Is it a way to validate their resentments for not doing enough when they were younger? Is it fear based? Is it a way to feel better about themselves because they've experienced it and a younger person hasn't? Is it because they, too, grew up being patronized for asking questions and the only way they know how to express themselves is by patronizing others?

Maybe I should stop asking questions and start taking action. From now on, I'm going to make a conscious effort to stop patronizing others when they are asking questions or asking for help. I'm going to make an effort to have compassion and empathy for someone who has never gone through an experience and doesn't know how to handle it. If I get asked for advice, I'm going to help them by sharing my own personal experience instead of going, "HAH! How adorable. Ahh, how it must be so easy being young!" Because let me tell you. It's NOT easy being young in today's world.

So, check your motives and be a little more compassionate to people who have never handled a situation and come to you to talk about it. They're putting their fears out there because they don't know how to handle it and need help, they don't need to be patronized.